The following post was originally published on the Huffington Post.
Given how common it is for people to cheat on their romantic partners, I feel compelled to share with you a tool for preventing and predicting infidelity.
This tool can also be used to strengthen the connection between two people in a marriage or a long-term relationship.
In my experience as a psychologist working with couples, unless a relationship has truly run its course, most people who cheat end up regretting their choice and hurting more people than they could ever anticipate.
Wouldn’t it be helpful to conduct a simple self-assessment to gauge the strength of your connection? This way you can make adjustments before it’s too late.
The slippery slope into the world of infidelity becomes harder to climb out of as you get closer to the edge of breaking your commitment to your spouse or partner.
That’s why it’s so valuable to have something concrete to measure so you can keep your actions from passing the point of no return — unless you’re willing to lose it all.
The Predictor of Infidelity
As you’ll soon understand, my relationship advice is best tested on yourself and not on your significant other.
Why? Because your partner is likely to bend the truth, especially if he or she is moving in the direction of infidelity.
So let’s focus on something that YOU can take responsibility for.
What am I referring to?
Your fantasy life.
Yup, let’s talk about your inner world of sexual fantasies, which contains a vast network of mental images and videos.
You can judge the strength of your sexual connection based on the content of your fantasies.
So basically, if you’re constantly thinking about someone else during sex with your partner, then there’s a good chance you’ll step outside of the relationship.
The odds of infidelity increase if your partner rarely or never becomes the subject of your fantasies over a period of years.
It’s inevitable that other people will, at least occasionally, find their way into your fantasy life.
We’re all human. Some conversion of real-life interaction into fantasy begins to take place behind the scenes outside of your conscious control.
For example, one day you might wake up from a dream and say to yourself, “Yikes, why the hell did I dream about THAT person?” Without any negative intentions, you soon find yourself thinking more and more about this random person and before you know it, he or she becomes the object of an occasional fantasy.
Or maybe you’ll find yourself sharing intimate details about your love life with someone who you find attractive, such as a coworker or classmate. Without warning, he or she keeps earning the title role in a movie within your fantasies both during intercourse with your partner and when you’re alone with your thoughts.
How to Use Your Sexual Fantasies to Improve Your Relationship
The constant appearance of other people in your conscious fantasy life is usually a sign that you’re emotionally disconnected from your partner.
This disconnection might be the result of boredom in and out of the bedroom, a lack of commitment to keeping your sex life fresh and a growing resentment of your partner.
Here’s the plan: If you’ve been thinking about other people in your sexual fantasies for months or years and you’re invested in remaining in your current relationship, then you must find a way to include your partner in your fantasy life.
Will it to happen! Think of what you find sexy about him or her and make sure that he or she is frequently the object of your fantasies. You can do it.
I promise you this will improve your connection to your significant other both in and out of the bedroom.
Another important recommendation is to find the courage to talk with him or her about any sense of disconnection you have in the bedroom or in life overall.
Sometimes the key to a more loyal fantasy life is to make it safer for your partner to play out your fantasies with you alone in the bedroom.
A few hot encounters with your partner that tap into your fantasies can stimulate a world of mental imagery and scenarios.
Keep in mind the following when applying my advice to your life:
- My recommendations are not based on empirical evidence. Rather, they are observations that come from years of conducting therapy and reading voraciously about psychology, motivation and relationships.
- I’ve simplified the nature of sexual fantasies in order to deliver this relationship advice as a giant, actionable tip.
- I’m certainly mindful that men and women can have different types of sexual fantasies that usually correspond with disparate sexual and emotional needs in a relationship.
- Some people’s sexual fantasy lives are impacted by intrusive images out of conscious control, and other people have uncontrollable fetishes which, in many cases, warp the sexual bond and limit what’s experienced as stimulating.
Use my advice as a guide for gauging the health and loyalty of your inner world, and you’ll enjoy many years of good sex and great connection to the one you love.