how to overcome mask anxiety during the covid-19 pandemic, dr Greg Kushnick, Liat Ron, mask anxiety
CovidFeaturedHappiness

18 Ways to Manage Mask Anxiety

by Greg Kushnick, Psy.D.
written by Greg Kushnick, Psy.D.

During this unique time we’ve had to adjust to life behind a face mask. The world outside your window has changed, which necessitates a shift in the way you protect our physical and mental health.

While casual use of a mask in open spaces is generally easier to manage, many of us are experiencing uncomfortable levels of anxiety, even panic, while wearing a mask around others, especially as we transition toward slightly increased exposure to more people and places.

Uncertain times like these demand increased confidence in our physical and psychological protection as we encounter real or imagined danger. Below you’ll find 18 great tips for overcoming mask anxiety.

18 Ways to Reduce Mask Anxiety

1. Take your self-talk to the next level.

Remind yourself 20 times during each outdoor journey that you’re going to be ok. Literally, say to yourself. “No matter what happens, I’m going to be ok.” This self-talk may boost your immune system by giving you an enhanced sense of control during this strange time.

2. Wear your mask at home for short periods of time.

Let the mask feel like it can be a part of you. Dance with your mask. Listen to music. Take selfies. Do whatever makes the mask feel like your mask is a part of you.

3. Remind yourself of your free will to choose.

If your anxiety spikes during a mask-wearing outing, keep telling yourself different choices you’re making in real time. Say, “I choose to…” For example, if you’re about to turn right on as you approach a perpendicular street, tell yourself, “I choose to turn right.” Repeat this for the smallest of choices. Consciously exercising your free will to make choices reduces a perception of powerlessness and increases a sense of personal agency.

4. Strive to better understand your triggers.

Pay attention to the situations that trigger your anxiety. Keep a log of each bout of mask anxiety. A note on your phone will suffice. For each occurrence, write down where it occurred, what you were thinking at the time, rate your anxiety from 1-10 and remind yourself of what you did to calm down. Read over your notes. Talk through your triggers with trusted loved ones and a mental health professional.

5. Practice breathing techniques with and without your mask on.

The more you practice bringing your breathing under control, the easier it will be to self-soothe when you’re feeling anxious with a mask on. Do relaxation exercises at home with your mask on. Here’s an example of a relaxation exercise you can try.

6. Practice visualization exercises to simulate wearing a mask in real life.

Picture yourself wearing a mask in different environments that represent varying levels of stress. Begin with the least stressful environment you can imagine encountering and rehearse relaxation exercises to calm your breath. See yourself as relaxed in your mind’s eye. Then move on to visualize more stressful places where a mask may be a challenge.

7. Give your mask a name.

Build a nice relationship with your mask by naming it. Talk to it. Reason with it. Laugh at it and with it. Relate to it as a friend. “Buddy, I gotta loosen you. You’re too uptight.”

8. Consciously send healing vibes to people you see.

Focus your thoughts on how your mask is protecting the people around you. Wish each person well as they pass you by. Transmit thoughts of love and healing. We’re all struggling these days. Bringing your attention to other people’s well-being can get you outside of your own anxiety. Tell them in your mind that you’re protecting them. The world desperately needs your good vibes and sense of social responsibility to heal.

9. Think of the children.

Remind yourself of the children you’re potentially saving by wearing a mask. Imagine kids thanking you in their cute little voices. Step outside of your suffering by picturing their smiles of gratitude. You’re making a sacrifice by being so uncomfortable.

10. Embrace the anonymity.

Your mask offers you a level of public anonymity that you’ve probably never experienced before. A teenager told me he likes to think of himself as a ninja when he wears his mask. Find a fascinating angle on mask anonymity. Embrace temporary hiding out. Enlist your imagination.

11. Get angry at your anxiety.

This is not my first choice compared to the other anxiety reduction techniques, but some people find it effective. Anger is the flip side of anxiety. You can’t feel both at the same time. Focus on how annoying your anxiety can be. Talk back to your anxiety. Yell at it in your mind. Tell it that it can’t control you.

12. Try name calling. That is, give your anxiety a name.

Naming your anxiety reminds you that anxiety is not all of you: rather, it’s a part of you. This technique represents another way to increase your sense of control in the face of uncertainty, similar to my recommendation to get angry about your anxiety. Call your anxiety a person’s name and let it know how you feel. There’s something comical in this, but it can work if you buy into this technique. “Herbert, you suck! Go away!”

13. Find the humor in your situation.

I know that there’s nothing funny about all of the tragedy that the Covid-19 virus has inflicted on the world, but for survival’s sake, look for what funny about a given situation. Laughter can be neutralizer of mask anxiety. I think about the inevitably awkward moments that this pandemic has created. How would Larry David respond to a scenario you find yourself in? George Costanza? Kramer? The Modern Family characters? What about your favorite comedic characters?

14. Wear a funny, protective mask.

There are plenty of masks for sale with slogans that will give you and strangers a good chuckle. Knowing that you’re delivering humor to the world may help you feel less anxious with your mask on.

15. Make your mask a fashion statement.

If a humorous mask isn’t your thing, then can you make it about fashion? A few masks that match your clothing can go a long way. I wouldn’t make this recommendation if we weren’t in the midst of a global pandemic, but a little style can go a long way for easing your mask anxiety.

16. Online therapy = an anxiety game changer.

Seeking out an online therapist in a global pandemic is a sign of massive strength. Work on lowering your anxiety from the comfort of your own home with an online therapist. This experience can improve more than mask anxiety. Therapy with the right mental health professional can give you the perspective you need to understand and control your triggers, as well as the less obvious influences on your anxiety.

17. Imagine a light around you that protects you.

Imagine a blue light protecting you from all danger. Focus your energy on this force field. Picture a round aura protecting you. Send love to it. Repeat to yourself in a loving and confident voice, “I am protected.” This exercise is no joke. Creating a reminder of your safety can reduce your anxiety.

18. Start a creative, mask-related phone or video project.

Talk to yourself on camera about what you’re going through. Document this time in your life so that future generations can see what you endured. Share your wisdom from lessons learned. Creative projects lower anxiety.

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anger management, self-improvement, happiness, judgment, cognitive strategies, how to overcome resentment
FeaturedHappinessMental Change TechSocial Booster

Your Habit of Pointing Out Other People’s Faults Is Ruining Your Life

by Greg Kushnick, Psy.D.
written by Greg Kushnick, Psy.D.

(Updated January 16, 2024)

This post has garnered more views and attention than any other piece of writing I’ve ever created. Please enjoy…

Are you constantly bothered by things people say or do?

Do you have a habit of pointing out everyone who you think is wrong or unintelligent?

If you think I might be describing you, then this hypersensitivity is ruining your life. You just might not realize it. 

The good news is that this type of self-harm is avoidable once you understand the price you pay for your comments and commit to more productive forms of complaining. 

If you constantly point out other people’s problems, you are at serious risk of:

  • putting a limit on your happiness
  • creating or perpetuating depression
  • isolating yourself from your most important relationships
  • turning people off from wanting to get close to you
  • creating negative energy around you that generates bad luck
  • killing the cells in your body with negativity

We all have sensitivities that are specific to our upbringing. It’s all comes down to whether you have a system of monitoring how and when you share what bothers you about people.

Your pet peeves color the way you see the world. They are part of the central framework you use to interpret other people’s actions.

The types of behaviors that get under our skin vary greatly from person to person. Some people can’t help but have a problem with everyone who chews with their mouth open. Other people police the world looking for pedestrians who walk too slowly, or who blast their youtube videos on public transportation.

Some people will see this post as a group of anger management tools. That’s fine…whatever helps you to take my recommendations seriously if you’re the type of person who has an addiction to pointing out other people’s faults.

The challenge I know I’m up against is that people who have a bad habit of judging others tend to be the most defensive people when it comes to recommendations for bettering their life. They tend to dismiss anything that recommends a change in viewpoint. I hope I can get through to those people as well. 

Please pay special attention to the last recommendation, as it is by far the most important point.)

THE FAULT FINDING RADAR

The one with the fault finding radar is the unhappy person of the group. I promise you.

Often times, this person has admirable qualities that make others avoid challenging his or her judgments. He or she may be in a position of authority or have a ton of experience to back up his or her beliefs. It doesn’t matter. They are essentially shooting themselves in the foot with this habit.

The fault finding radar compels a person to constantly point out whats wrong with other people. It’s the ultimate recipe for misery.

Now you might be thinking that misery created the radar, as opposed to the reverse, and you’d probably be correct in thinking this.

5 REASONS WHY CONSTANT FAULT FINDING IS MAKING YOU UNHAPPY (AND WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT)

1. Pointing out what bothers you about people only worsens your deep-seated insecurities.

The habit of constantly pointing out people’s faults is most likely a reflection of what you’ve struggle with in childhood. It is a manifestation of an insecurity about the very things that you judge other people for most often. Some people who have difficulty taking responsibility for their own actions have a tendency to project onto others that with which they struggle. In fact, the avoidance of responsibility and a difficulty apologizing to people you’ve hurt are the trademarks of the constant fault finder.

Solution A: There are other ways to conquer your insecurities. Start by pointing out the good in people, including the smallest acts of wit and wisdom. The more you invest in recognizing the greatness in the world, the more this will translate into recognizing your own greatness.

Solution B: Ask someone close to you the following two questions: (1) if you have difficulty apologizing for your actions, and (2) whether you avoid taking responsibility for how your actions affect others.

This insight needs to come from someone else because the self-awareness is often compromised in the chronic fault finder. It’s a costly interpersonal blindspot. Work on taking responsibility for small things. Own your part when misunderstandings arise. See the value in apologizing as a way to clean up a mess.

2. Fault finding in others may be your way of attempting to master memories of an overly punitive parent.

Can you recall a parent or other influential relative who often pointed out everyone else’s problems or faults? I’m guessing that, if the answer is yes, you harbor some form of resentment toward this person, especially if you have memories of him or her being critical of you.

As far as I’m concerned, there’s no better way is there to overcome memories of an overly judgmental parent these recommendations:

Solution A: Move toward forgiveness of people who were overly critical of you in the past. Psychotherapy can help immensely with limiting the negative impact of the past on the present. There is absolutely no gain for you to hold on to resentment. Choosing not to forgive is like choosing sickness for yourself. Forgiveness sets you free. Strive to understand the value of forgiveness. Consider reading Forgiveness by Simon and Simon. It’s a game changer!

Solution B: Try to remember any positive qualities in your punitive relative, even if it’s hard to do.  Most importantly, avoid showing the world how you inherited the tendency to judge others. Vow to judge other people less, and challenge your own judgments after you arrive at them. Judging is inevitable. It’s how repulsed you are by your own judgments that matters. See my post on judgment for a concrete technique to limit the negative impact of judgment on the mind and body.

3. Constant fault finding gives you a temporary ego boost and the illusion of superiority in the moment, but crashes your mood a few seconds later.

Not far from the way gossip works, judging another person gives you a rush in the moment, but the rush is soon replaced by unhappiness thereafter.

I love this quote about gossip by Eleanor Roosevelt (or Socrates depending on the source):

“Strong minds discuss ideas, average minds discuss events, weak minds discuss people.”

Solution A: The goal is to stop yourself from verbalizing your negative opinion even if you have the thought. Create a filter that decides which complaints are necessary and which should be left in your mind. It really does come down to the cliche, “If you don’t have something nice to say, keep it to yourself.”

Solution B: Too much concern with other peoples’ marital issues, bad habits, limitations or weaknesses is a sign that you must invest more in committing to your own personal goals. Try some of the recommendations from one of my favorite posts about committing to your own personal growth.

4. Frequent complaints about what other people say or do promotes depression.  

Too much focus on what’s wrong with others can sour your mood in an instant. Depression pulls for either self-devaluation or finding fault with other people or the world as a whole.

Solution: While there are many degrees and manifestations of depression, one strategy for climbing out of the darkness is to practice gratitude. Make a list each morning of 5-10 reasons why you are grateful. Continue every morning with this. If you’re committed to this practice, you’ll see a difference…and you’ll find yourself judging people less, including people you deem to be unintelligent.

You can also practice various forms of gratitude on social media. Take a look at this post highlighting the importance of gratitude. For an interesting challenge, try posting each of these five forms of thankfulness on Facebook.

5. A tendency to point out other people’s faults destroys your curiosity and the cells in your body. 

The tendency to see people in black and white terms with no middle ground often predicts excessive judgment of others. You see someone as either fine or scum, smart or stupid, pretty or ugly. This habit promotes a sense of isolation from others, unhappiness, and, most importantly, sickness. I have a theory that when your curiosity is closed down. case, you age faster.

Yes, if you need even more reason to stop pointing out other people’s faults, just know that bitterness kills. It probably promotes cancer and suppresses the immune system.

Solution: Even if you tend to naturally see people in a binary manner (e.g., good/bad or smart/dumb), push yourself to see and accept the many shades of people. One mistake, foolish act or asinine comment does not mean the entire person is unintelligent.

Respect the power of negativity, bitterness, and more specifically, the tendency to find fault in others to make your mind and body turn on itself. Show self-respect by avoiding something that is eating away at you, bit by bit, negative comment by negative comment.

It ultimately comes down to the decision of whether you want to be right or happy. You choose.

If you’re not the fault finding type, but someone close to you is, consider sharing this post with him or her.

Final Notes: Please note that it is human to find fault with others. There are both healthy and pathological levels of the fault finding habit. It’s actually healthy to sometimes be critical of others. Sharing your opinions, even if they contain venom, can bring psychological relief under certain circumstances and can be experienced as a form of self-expression. Criticism combined with personal accountability is often healthy. Also note that I haven’t talked much about the habit of constantly recognizing your own faults. Some of the solutions I’ve offered do apply to self-judgment, but I will address this at some point in a separate post.

Please feel free to comment below or ask questions about my recommendations.

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selfies, self-esteem
HappinessHealthy SelfieOnline Dating Strategy

How to Take a Healthy Selfie

by Greg Kushnick, Psy.D.
written by Greg Kushnick, Psy.D.

The Ultimate Guide to a Healthy Selfie!

Do you know there’s an easy way to make your selfies healthy?.

Picture this…All it takes is a few minor adjustments and your selfie habit can contribute to lasting happiness and self-esteem.

My “healthy selfie” approach also removes much of the negative effects of a selfie-happy lifestyle.

My wife and I practice taking healthy selfies whenever possible and let me tell you, it DOES make a difference.

Don’t worry. It’s not about snapping yourself in the organic produce section of the market, or sweating over dumbbells, or looking relaxed on vacation.

Your Health-Promoting, Selfie-Happy Lifestyle Begins Here

You must know right from the get-go that a healthy selfie is less about the actual shot you capture and more about the process you use to produce the selfie.

This process-focused approach rests at the center of Techealthiest’s mission. We hope to inspire the world to take a more mindful approach to how we relate to our gadgets. By developing an “observing self” within our personal digital world, we can make lifestyle adjustments needed to live healthier and happier.

If you take at least a few selfies a week, it’s urgent that you read this.

You might not realize it, but if your selfie habit is left unchecked over time, it can lead to unhealthy levels of perfectionism, excessive self-indulgence, inflated self-importance and a lot of good moments spoiled or interrupted.

But it doesn’t have to be this way.

The magic of practicing healthy selfies is that it repeatedly reinforces what’s important for inner balance, fulfillment and healthy self-esteem. 

All of your selfies don’t need to be healthy. Just some. I strive to create one healthy selfie for every three or four that I shoot.

So here’s how to do it…

6 Tips for Capturing a Healthy Selfie

1. Avoid extended photo shoots. (SELFIE-CONTROL)

Selfie-control is accomplished by practicing moderation in your behavior and expectations. How do we do this?

Limit the number of selfie attempts to between one and four. Avoid the photo burst function on your phone. The target goal would be one or two attempts to capture a solid selfie.

Why? Fewer shots keep your expectations reasonable. Think of someone you know who takes a gazillion selfies before an hour-long deliberation over which selfie to make public. I guarantee you that person has a disturbance in his or her self-image thats interferes with the enjoyment of simple pleasures in life.

Let’s break it down this way to make my point clearer…

More selfie attempts = more stress and anxiety = higher expectations for:

  • how perfect the selfie needs to be (it’s stressful and frustrating to invest a lot of time in capturing an idealized version of yourself on camera…it’s also inauthentic.)
  • how people are supposed to respond on social media with likes and comments (see below.)
  • how you’re supposed to look in real life (you become increasingly less accepting of every part of you that you don’t consider to be your best angle.)
  • how perfect your future selfies have to be in order to live up to the image you’ve established with the public

[bctt tweet=”Higher selfie expectations =  obsessive perfectionism = an unhealthy selfie. “]

2. Don’t edit your selfie. Edit the part of yourself that’s trying to make your physical appearance or your life look perfect to others. (SELFIE-ACCEPTANCE) 

To maximize selfie-acceptance, most healthy selfies shouldn’t be manipulated. Post a raw shot of you and your surroundings. Stop yourself from adding light filters, clarity adjustments or blemish removal. Keep all imperfections in place.

Posting raw selfies promotes selfie-acceptance and authenticity by closing the gap between how you want the world to see you and the beautifully flawed person you really are.

I know it’s unrealistic for most people to avoid editing selfies, even healthy ones, completely. So when you must manipulate your healthy selfie, either for art’s sake or another reason, the goal would be to follow the other five guidelines. Just make sure at least some of your healthy selfies represent the raw, unedited you.

If your tendency is to trick the world through deception and manipulation of your photos, your selfie-esteem will pay the price.

The problem is that selfie-deception is so tempting and satisfying. Try to resist the urge to trick the world into believing something about you. You are really only fooling yourself…for a few seconds.

Just because it’s so easy to manipulate your pictures doesn’t mean you should do it. Yes, it can be satisfying to meet whatever standard of perfection you hold your selfies to by altering them it to your liking. Just know that this manipulation is slowly eroding your self-esteem.

Selfie editing also feeds your perfectionistic side, which leads to an unhealthy belief that anything less than a flawless look is unacceptable.

The raw you can be fun to flaunt, especially if you develop a muscle for smashing your investment in people’s responses to your picture.

We all have flaws. Life becomes so much easier when you accept this fact and learn to celebrate all of your angles.

[bctt tweet=”The more you edit your selfies, the less self-accepting you’ll be in everyday life. “]

3. Take risks with the camera, not with the location. (SELFIE-LOVE)

Unfortunately, the culture of taking dangerous selfies is growing. If dangerous selfies are your cup of tea, just know that for every person who marvels at your guts or strength, there are 100 people who view you as foolish and hungry for attention.

A healthy selfie has nothing to do with portraying courage with regard to the location of your photo. It’s about having the courage to step outside of your comfort zone and reveal your true self which includes all sides of you.

Go ahead, forget your most flattering angle. Show your worst angle because you have no worst angle. All angles rock. Birthmarks and blemishes are awesome. They are a part of you and they must be embraced. If your social media audience has something negative to say about these unique parts of you, then unfriend them.

Let your selfie-love shine through by posting a selfie that celebrates your uniqueness. To capture your unique stamp on camera, you must embrace the idea that striving to accept your flaws makes you perfect.

Stop repeatedly showing people the same angle because you think it’s your best angle. That’s boring and unhealthy.

You might be able to trick the world into thinking you’re perfect by only showing your best angle, but you’re doing yourself a major disservice. You’re creating a lie that you’ll feel pressure to maintain.

[bctt tweet=”Embrace your true self by sharing selfies from all angles. “]

4. Strive to reduce your investment in monitoring social media “likes.” (SELFIE-SUFFICIENCY) 

selfie, healthy, self-acceptance,Do you find yourself repeatedly checking for new “likes” when you post a selfie on Facebook or Instagram?

If you’re too dependent on likes for validation, it’s time to break that association. Even if not a single person likes or comments on your selfie, you need to celebrate your photo. Find something small that you like about it and celebrate the selfie privately.

Strive for selfie-sufficiency so that the conditions for feeling pleased with your selfie are fully determined by you and only you. The higher your expectations are for how the world is supposed to respond to your selfie, the more unhappy you will feel.

A dependency on social media “likes” creates horribly stringent conditions for feeling validated by the world. You’ll rarely be satisfied with the amount of “likes” you will receive. Any benefit to your happiness that “likes” create is short-lived.

If you’re addicted to watching the number of likes grow, then cancel the app from your phone for the day. Make it hard for you to keep checking. Learn to look less at your Facebook or Instagram feed for the purpose of gauging the public’s reaction to your selfies.

If you can celebrate a healthy selfie irrespective of the number of likes you attract on social media, it’s equivalent to a googolplex of likes.

[bctt tweet=”Too much focus on ‘likes’ outsources your self-worth.” via=”no”]

YOU are the ultimate decision-maker when it comes to how wonderful your selfie is.

5. Respect the power of a selfie to potentially ruin a perfect moment. (SELFIE-AWARENESS)

selfiesSnap your selfie to capture something meaningful as long as you’re committed to returning to the beauty of the moment once the selfie is taken.

Selfie-awareness comes from knowing how your selfies impact your experiences. Does pausing to take a selfie impact your attention and concentration? Is it hard to recapture the flow of a moment?

Develop a habit of taking a second to ponder whether an experience is truly worth interrupting for a selfie. If you’re sharing an experience, do you know your companion to be the type of person who becomes obsessed with getting the perfect selfie. Don’t take the selfie then, especially if the shared experience is making you happy. If your companion insists on taking a selfie, make them commit to a healthy selfie.

We must accept that some amazing experiences are not meant to be captured on camera, especially when you risk losing a potentially beautiful memory by getting carried away with selfies.

Let some precious moments be selfie-less! If you make a clear decision that a selfie can be captured without interrupting something special, then go for it.

Why? Because selfies have become so mindless that we often neglect the thought process that decides what’s best for us. Rather, we just act because we’re on autopilot.

A healthy selfie feels like a victory because you made a decision to preserve the moment by giving minimal importance or urgency to the picture. You snapped it and quickly merged back into the flow.

[bctt tweet=”Some amazing moments are best left uninterrupted by a selfie. “]

You might say that some of the healthiest selfies available to you are the ones you take with your eyes. These selfies become indelibly etched in your memory and have more impact on internal mental life. Memories are infinitely more powerful than selfies.

6. Set an intention before you snap your selfie or as you’re posting it on social media. (SELFIE-DIRECTION)

healthy selfieChallenge yourself to declare the intention behind taking or posting a selfie. This is a tall task because you have to pause for a moment and be honest with yourself as to why you’re taking the selfie. This adds uncomfortable thoughts to a hedonistic process, but if you can pause and think at least some of the time, you will begin to feel more in control and less needy for outside validation.

If you decide that posting a specific selfie is, in fact, an attempt to gain validation from others, then either question whether taking the picture is a good idea or call it what it is, post it and move on. Maybe you really do need an ego boost right now.

Just know that selfies posted for validation will do very little for your self-esteem. It’s the equivalent of a hit of a drug, a temporary fix that drains you of selfie-acceptance and selfie-love by outsourcing your selfie-worth.

No selfie will satisfy your need for validation longer than five seconds after you view the picture or the number of likes on social media.

How do you know if you’re taking the selfie primarily for validation? Pay attention to what inspires you to take the picture in the first place and what you imagine people will think when they see your selfie.

YOU have to make the ultimate decision about the greatness of your selfie.

For every selfie intended to prove something to your social media world, take a healthy selfie by creating an intention that is unattached to approval or the need to prove something, including the number of likes and comments you get.

Watch and see. The simple act of setting an intention will help to you focus less on validation from others. This helps to make the selfie-taking process more conscious, and therefore more healthy.

Try setting one or more of the following intentions (or create another intention as long as it’s not about getting validation from others):

  • Snap a selfie for art’s sake. Develop your artistic side.
  • Snap a selfie to make other people smile or laugh. An intention of doing for others counteracts most negative elements of a selfie. Just don’t expect feedback.
  • Be clear when the selfie is for reminding you of a great experience or beautiful scenery.
  • Let the selfie be about bonding with someone who is also in the picture.
  • Tell yourself that you are taking a selfie for your personal collection, as opposed to for other people.
  • Decide ahead of time that you’re not posting a specific selfie on social media.

When you stumble upon an older healthy selfie in your phone or on social media, let the picture remind you that you’re invested in your health and happiness.

This is the true beauty and power of a healthy selfie.

———

healthy, selfie, self-esteem, happiness, camera

This is my attempt to capture a healthy selfie.

BONUS: For a fun challenge, take a healthy selfie for each of the 12 categories of selfies mentioned in this great article (minus the duck face selfie which I’ll never understand or get used to…okay maybe include that one too.)

Adding healthy selfies to your picture-taking habits is adding a special thought process that nourishes your mental health needs. You don’t need to take healthy selfies all the time. That would be draining and take the fun out of certain spontaneous moments.

Just sometimes. Let the healthy selfie be on your radar and you’ll feel a difference.

Now try taking your healthy selfie…and remember…only a one or two shots at once, no editing, make them raw and take risks with the angle, forget about the likes, and don’t ruin a beautiful moment with too much attention to taking a selfie. Good luck!!!!

[bctt tweet=”Healthy selfies are a fun and easy investment in your happiness and self-esteem. “]

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relationship tips for quarantine, five conversations to strengthen relationship, dr Greg Kushnick, what to say to your partner
CovidHappinessLove and Relationships

5 Urgent Conversations to Protect Your Relationship Under Quarantine

by Greg Kushnick, Psy.D.
written by Greg Kushnick, Psy.D.

Life under quarantine can be wildly challenging for even the strongest relationships. This can be a dangerous time for couples who have issues with communication.

Have you adjusted as a couple to the new normal? Do you feel like your mental health needs are being validated by your significant other?

This post is designed to guide you and your partner toward topics of discussion that can bring you closer.

We’re not our normal selves these days. It often feels like there’s next to no psychological room to breathe. Work obligations that typically offer a natural pause from constant exposure to our partners are temporarily unavailable.

How to Know What Your Quarantined Relationship Needs

In quarantined life it’s easier to neglect your partner’s needs because we’re all self-soothing more to get through this unusual time, but the consequences of relationship neglect are potentially more damaging than ever. Let’s face it — it’s hard enough to figure out what YOU need right now, let alone what your partner needs.

If you have kids, your partner’s needs naturally get bumped down the priority list, but this is no excuse to neglect your relationship.

The truth is that if you avoid working on your loving bond at this unique time, you run the risk of drifting further apart.

There’s no space for resentment either. Keeping score will amplify resentment exponentially. Fights will only get nastier.

The great news is that it doesn’t have to be this way.

Watering the seeds of your bond under quarantined conditions can cause greater growth than under normal conditions. You will always remember this strange time, and caring for your relationship counts even more. Let the quarantine be a positive memory of love and of growing together. Here are some suggestions for jumpstarting that process.

You must be willing to invest more in the needs of the relationship. Consider that your relationship is like a baby that needs the right conditions to grow.

How Much Should You Invest in Your Relationship?

So how much time and effort should you put into your relationship? Well, it depends.

I’m not a fan of the idea of surviving in any way you can when it comes to preserving your relationship. You can neglect other parts of life, but damage to your bond may be hard to reverse.

If your relationship was rocky prior to the Covid-19 pandemic, you will need to invest more to keep the peace and function as a cohesive unit.

The bottom line is that couples who actively work on their relationship will come out of the Covid-19 pandemic with a stronger bond than ever before. If there’s solid teamwork and healthy communication under the threat of an outside force such as Covid-19, then you’re likely to reflect warmly on your relationship for years to come.

Five Conversations for Improving Your Relationship During the Quarantine

Here are five conversations to have with your partner. They represent a solid start for a maintaining or strengthening your connection through the quarantine and beyond. Think of them as conversation starters aimed at opening up the lines of communication.

1) “What do you need from me that you’re not already getting during the quarantine?“

Have you asked this question yet? Do you think you know already the answer? Too many assumptions about your partner’s needs can create enormous cracks in the relationship. Just ask. It will be appreciated.

Don’t just expect that your partner will reciprocate the question. Just offer it. Don’t keep score. Model what you want your relationship to be.

Maybe he or she needs a bit more time away from the kids, even 30 minutes. Or it’s less exposure to the news in bed.

Just ASK. Be curious. Your partner will appreciate it.

2) “Are we on the same page with how daily activities and responsibilities are being handled?”

This one applies more to parents. Are you or your partner harboring bitterness about the assignment of responsibilities at home? If so, share it and work together to both understand and accept each other’s strengths and weaknesses, but also challenge each other with love and compassion to push a little harder.

Are you sinking under the weight of too many tasks? If so, share what you need from your partner while holding hands. Agree to check in with one another in a few days if new commitments are made.

3) “Are we acknowledging what each of us is feeling during these uncertain times? Are we paying enough attention to each other’s mental health needs?”

This is your chance to share how your partner may be invalidating what you feel or vice versa. Is there too much toxic positivity from one partner that is shaming the other for feeling anxious or scared? Do you need a bit more of your partner’s undivided attention?

Mirroring Exercise: Share for a minute or two what you’ve been feeling. You partner then has to repeat what he or she heard you say. Then he or she asks, “Is that an accurate summary of what you feel?” If so, switch roles. If not, correct your partner’s understand of how you feel.

4) “Are we being hurt as a couple by allowing someone outside our relationship to violate our boundaries?”

Are your parents or other family member demanding too much of your attention? Are they repeatedly reprimanding you for ignoring them? Does it feel like a family member is completely draining your energy over the phone or video chat?

Is someone outside of your immediate family making you feel bad, guilty or shameful on a frequent basis? Is one of you sharing too much sensitive information with an outside party that would offend the other partner if they knew what was being said? Your job is to protect your partner, and that includes protecting his or her privacy, unless there is abuse occurring.

Boundaries are a huge part of maintaining a healthy relationship. Put your heads together to come up with a plan to deal with boundary violations. It will make you feel much more supported by one another. Help each other problem solve to strengthen the boundary around the original family unit (the two of you).

5) “Are we working hard enough to make time to check in with one another without any distractions?“

If you’re not already having frequent and predictable check-ins with one another, now is as good a time as ever. Schedule a weekly State of the Union Time.

During this time, each of you speaks for an uninterrupted 10 minutes. Time it on your phone. Say nothing while your partner speaks, even if you disagree with something said. Listen attentively without any screens present. In fact, listen for the gold in them.

The goal is to share what’s on your mind, including feedback for your partner, requests, new commitments or thoughts about anything. Take five minutes to jointly reflect on what was said. Then drop it!

Have a separate conversation about what is getting in the way of checking in with one another. Put your heads together to prioritize the State of the Union ritual. Your relationship needs it no matter how close you feel to one another.

Please note that these five conversation are designed to help you get through the quarantine. Consider couples therapy if these conversations lead to unresolvable arguments or resentment. You can participate in the therapy right from the comfort of your home!

Have a safe and healthy quarantine!

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kids laughing, no screens, future of screen addiction, liat ron, greg kushnick, techealthiest, the bright side, silver lining, Covid-19, coronavirus
CovidHappinessParentingThe Bright Side

The Marvelous Consequence of Your Kids’ Screen Overuse Under Quarantine

by Liat Ron
written by Liat Ron

Nature Valley created a powerful ad a few years ago about the horrifying effects of screen time on children. It stated, “Nature has always been a part of childhood. Let’s make sure it doesn’t stop with us.”

The negative effects of excessive screen time on children has been well documented in recent years. Techealthiest has taken an active role in analyzing the positive and negative consequences of screen overuse. However, our collective adjustment to the Covid-19 pandemic hints at a drastic change in our society’s relationship with screens that couldn’t have been predicted — something that will have a ripple effect for many years.

The Silver Lining Is..

Ladies and Gentlemen, here’s one shining Bright Side for you. The battle to reposition Nature toward the center of childhood will not stop with us as adults!

Our children will be the generation that breaks out of screen/personal technology dependency. They will discover the world outside of screens in profound ways.

The current social isolation necessitated by the quarantine has transformed screens into our saviors. Screens satisfy our longing to connect with the outside world. They save us from ourselves, neutralize loneliness, entertain us and keep our children occupied most of the day. Screens allow our kids to maintain a connection to teachers, friends and family.

Parents appreciate like never before the four minutes of freedom that a funny video creates. Live daily Cincinnati Zoo videos, Doodle with Mo Willems and other incredibly generous artists, educators and companies have saved families at home from imploding.

Thank God for Facebook Live, Zoom, Governor Andrew Cuomo’s reassuring speeches and anything and anyone serving as screen comfort. Thank God for Netflix and good ole escapist TV. We are blessed to have screens. Imagine a pandemic without them. You can’t.

The World A.C. (After Coronavirus)

When we crawl out of the quarantine and reemerge into the real world after many weeks of the most extreme screen dependency anyone has ever experienced, rest assured your children will all share a renewed wonder that would have never happened if it weren’t for this long period of virtual existence.

Our children will gain a new perspective that we wouldn’t have been able to teach otherwise. They will rediscover the magic of nature. Their world will be bigger than ever.

Technology will not mute the need to relate to people IRL…In Real Life. Think of this relatively new term coined by the omnipotent social media- IRL. A new meaning will be joyfully added to this term. All they want will be IRL. Their insatiable affinity for the screen as we know it will be replaced by a brand-new appreciation for real connection. Anything virtual is going to become a back-burner, second option, de-prioritized form of connection. Kids will relish in the real.

They will cherish fresh air, running and playing outside with friends. It will take less effort to achieve human connection. Social media as a way to stay in touch will feel profoundly unsatisfying.

Who Will They Become?

Let’s take it one step further. What kind of adults will our children become? Smarter and maybe even happier than us. They will know the power of screen dependency thanks to the priceless perspective born from this wild overdose of screens as a means of surviving the quarantine. They will represent the refreshing new generation of brilliant, curious thinkers and discoverers. They will change the world in ways that would not have been accessible to them had they not experienced the current screen overuse.

Life will never be the same. That’s the Bright Side.

By Liat Ron and Dr. Greg Kushnick

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Quarantine Parenting tips for families with small children
CovidHappinessParenting

9 Sanity-Saving Quarantine Tips for Families with Small Children

by Liat Ron
written by Liat Ron

If your kids aren’t already driving you absolutely crazy during this quarantine, congratulations! Your’e in a league of your own. The only way to maintain your sanity during this wildly challenging time is to be strategic. A little planning and foresight will go a long, long way in your family’s temporary, new reality.

We have small children and, of course, we’re learning as we go, but we’re also following certain rituals and guidelines that are already making a huge difference for all of us. Some of these strategies we enact are a natural extension of our parenting approach B.C. (Before Corona), and some of them have been modified based on our adjustment to life during the Covid-19 pandemic. (For more on your adjustment to a new reality, here’s our post on mental health strategies for managing the quarantine.)

We just gave our kids an extra large snack so we would have the opportunity to get these ideas onto a post on Techealthiest. And we definitely won’t complete it until after they go to bed. Yes, we’re all in this together.

The good (and slightly bad) news about having small children (meaning under about seven years old) is that they are just happy to be with you. Also, they don’t fully comprehend what’s going on outside unless you have poor boundaries around sharing adult information, but that’s a topic for another day. The bottom line is that everyone wins when you find your sanity. Even Andrew Cuomo, the Governor of New York, agrees.

Unfortunately, your tolerance for managing your kids under a strict quarantine is likely to reduce over time. This is why guidelines are necessary. You design a plan and then adjust as you test the reality of family life. This approach is likely to deliver clearer expectations and predictability to your children, which will make life under quarantine so much more tolerable for everyone.

9 Ways to Make Life Easier with Small Children During the Quarantine

Here are a group of suggestions that you may find helpful. Modify them to fit your family’s specific needs and circumstances.

1. Be a team with your partner in front of your kids.

Now more than ever it’s essential that you show stability and predictability in front of your kids. Being on the same page with your significant other allows for parental messages to be delivered more clearly and understood more quickly.

If you and your partner disagree, make an agreement to discuss the issue when and where your kids cannot hear you. Avoid making secret agreements with your kids that your partner is left out of. Remember, you set the tone in the household!

2. Create a world full of sanity-saving activities that worked in the past.

Apply anchors from normal life to your quarantined life. If it worked for you before and you can do it at home, recreate it now. For example:

  • Stick with your exercise routines via Zoom/Facebook & Instagram Live, or in any other way that will allow for connection with the outside world, whether through live streaming from your studio/gym or even Zooming with friends. It’s best to choose live over pre-recorded videos.
  • Set virtual social time with friends and family: Happy hours, double date nights, girls’ nights, guys’ nights, parties, celebrations, game nights, play dates and literally any social activities you can replicate at home. Create a sense of a rich social life. It may feel contrived at first but don’t give up. It may be end up being your number one mental health savior!

3. Create a daily schedule as a framework with no ambitious expectations. Expect it to collapse.

Your children need this for their mental health. Create daily schedules five days a week, especially when homeschooling is involved, as well as online enrichment opportunities for your kids throughout the day. Don’t forget to make it fun for everyone and certainly include free independent play.

Remember not to put pressure on yourself to follow them perfectly. You may create your schedule the night before or first thing in the morning and share with your kids right before breakfast. Your daily schedules are designed to create a sense of order, structure and security so you don’t find yourself feeling lost, anxious and perplexed throughout the day.

The most important thing to remember is that your schedule works for you and not the other way around, which means flexibility is key. Too many decisions on the spot will overwhelm you. Free yourself of that pressure with a schedule.

Allow the weekends to flow with lightly structured freedom. Create family memories, allow for plenty of unstructured playtime, rest, recover, recharge and practice types of self-care you may not be able to maintain during the week.

4. Family traditions are your friend!

Now, more than ever, it’s important to continue your family traditions. You have a golden opportunity to maintain a sense of normalcy. It will do wonders for your children’s mental state, as well as your own. Whether you repeat a weekly meal (Sunday dinner, Shabbat dinner, Taco Tuesday), movie night or any other home activity that you share as a family on a regular basis, keep it up!

5. Families who eat together will be happier quarantiners. Period.

This is an opportunity to practice what is always recommended. Let’s all remember some of the benefits of family meals: We bond, connect, laugh and share the pleasure of eating foods that we love. Now, more than ever, family meals offer us incredible comfort, the chance to open up about our emotions, check in with each other and lean on each other’s coping skills. The idea of family meals includes serving family-style rather than as a short order cook. (More on this topic coming soon on Techealthiest.)

That being said, we actually recommend eating at least one meal a day, ideally lunch, away from your kids. Eat alone or with your partner, while your kids nap, during a work assignment or, yes…in front of mindless TV. You need it. You deserve it. Use the time to reconnect with your adult thoughts and emotions.

6. Virtual babysitters are reality’s best friend.

Set up Zoom/Facetime calls for your kids with close family members. This can be structured into your daily schedule or randomly set up when you feel too overwhelmed. Remember to always ask for permission. Everyone is struggling to find their rhythm these days, and so as loving as they are, your family has to be willing and prepared for such “babysitting” sessions.

7. Code word: “Get me away from these kids before I regret what I say or do.”

You will have moments when you feel like you’re on the brink of collapse… physically, mentally or emotionally. You will feel like you cannot go on for a single second longer without at least a few minutes to yourself. These moments deserve a code word.

Only your partner will know this word. Make it a good one. Ours is currently “BZZZZZZ.” It signals to your partner “I’m off the watch. Take over NOW!” Extra points if you ask for or request a specific timeframe for your return.

Your sense of control will increase with the comfort of knowing that you have a way out if you really need it. If there’s no room to escape to, the bathroom is always the perfect default. Leave the scene. Take deep breaths. Meditate. Take a power nap. Chat with a loved one. Journal. Take a walk around the block. Sit in silence or whatever you need at that particular moment. Upon entering your alone time and space, ask yourself: What do I need right now? Listen to what your body and soul are asking for. Answer with the activity that will best help you achieve what you need.

And at the risk of stating the obvious, always turn to tag-team mode WHENEVER one or both of you near your breaking point.

8. Repeat after me: There is no room for guilt! Repeat.

Let go of the guilt for choosing to care for your own needs, especially the need for space. You are going to have a shiny, new set of needs unique to the quarantine. Don’t judge yourself.

This is a new reality for all of us. We are collectively learning how to navigate life for the next few months. Be gentle with yourself and allow yourself to feel whatever comes up for you. Once you honor yourself with acceptance of your needs, you will have the clarity to find ways to fulfill those needs. Be mindful of the role modeling in your household. Your children, even in these uncertain times, should see a parent who tries to satisfy their own emotional needs.

9. Daily scheduled or impromptu dance parties for all family members.

Call it therapy….dance therapy for all! Dance is a fun, joyful activity that functions as a brain break while intensifying family bonding. It offers us the invaluable gift of getting out of our heads. It releases much-needed endorphin rush, a mental and emotional high that makes everything a little easier. Its therapeutic effects are immeasurable.

You will get through this time and one day…hopefully, possibly, maybe…your kids will reflect fondly on this time in their lives and it will be all because of you. Good luck with our suggestions.

Best of luck with these ideas,

Liat Ron

P.S.- This is my latest project: Fear and Now, a groundbreaking documentary feature film on Hypnobirthing.

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coronavirus pandemic, mental health, emotional immune system, dr greg Kushnick, coronavirus stress, anxiety, Techealthiest, self-talk, covid-19
CovidHappiness

Essential Mental Health Tips for Managing the Coronavirus Outbreak

by Greg Kushnick, Psy.D.
written by Greg Kushnick, Psy.D.

Social distance and food storage are occupying much of our headspace these days, but it is just as important to prepare for the mental health challenges that are likely to arise in the coming weeks.

The way I see it, we have no choice but to allocate some of our inner resources toward making smart mental adjustments that complement temporary but necessary lifestyle changes.

In this post, I will cover a few essential, actionable steps you can take to bolster your emotional well-being. These tips represent a starting point for managing your mental health during this strange chapter in our lives.

You Need A Strong Emotional Immune System

First, consider that you have an emotional immune system designed to help you deal with emotional distress, including anxiety, stress and depression.

What is an emotional immune system? It is the part of you that manages your mental response when when potential threat is introduced. Currently, the most common threat to our mind is the fear of us or the people we care about contracting COVID-19. I will assume that you are taking the appropriate preventative steps.

The next threat would be your news consumption. Constant exposure to breaking news about COVID-19 will overwork your emotional immune system, leaving you anxious, even panicked, at random moments. You may justify your constant news exposure by thinking that being informed gives you a greater sense of control, but this is simply untrue.

My concern is that the constant flow of troubling information available on our screens functions like a virus of the mind.

Your cortisol levels are likely to skyrocket, and this is not healthy. Your body does what the mind tells it to do. Sounding the alarm in your body with messages of fear and helplessness may impact your body’s immune system.

This is why it is so important to restrict your exposure to social media and news sites since they bombard you with mostly bad news.

Chatrooms are the less obvious offender. I recommend that you propose to a ban on introducing any breaking news while you are supporting one another in chatrooms and group messages. Any emotional gains from virtual support usually get cancelled out when one of your introduces more bad news.

Consider the following: Most self-care activities, including meditation, journaling, online therapy, sitting with feelings and other behaviors meant to give you the feeling of control will be less effective if do not reduce your intake of news that usually tells you what to worry about.

Life is harder to manage with so many cues to worry and this is just not healthy for you. I recommend limiting social media and news intake to 2-3 times a day at most, and none before bed.

Cognitive Strategies Go Nicely with Less News Consumption

Once the news floodgates are well managed, you can do more effective inner work. This brings us to a cognitive strategy that can strengthen your emotional immune system. It all comes down to what you tell yourself. As I said, your body is listening very carefully to the messages.

Start paying greater attention to how you talk to yourself when you think about the virus. If you find that you are frequently telling yourself sound something like, “I can’t handle this,” or “this is too much,” then you need to adjust this self-talk.

When you are tell yourself that you cannot handle something, you are telling your body what to do. Sound the alarm! Fire up the fight-or-flight response.

The good news is that your mental habits can be altered by actively substituting alarming messages with self-talk that promotes resilience and hardiness.

Even if you first feel anxious and tell yourself you cannot handle something, you still have the opportunity to say to yourself, “That reminds me of the opposite….” and then state something positive.

I like to say to myself, “No matter what happens I will be ok.”

A variation on this is “I can handle this” or “we will get though this” or “this this hard but we can do it.” Come up with affirmations that work for you. It might sound simplistic but it can be very effective over time. Just stick with it.

Say these messages to yourself at least 50 times a day, including in response to noticing negativity.

Take this self-soothing method seriously even if you only connect with the messages on an intellectual level. Over time your emotional side will join the resistance.

You have the power to alter your mind and body’s response to new information. Use that power and you will increase your faith in your ability to cope, which reduces the frequency of anxious moments.

Refuse to be a passive recipient of bad news. Fight any helpless state with this mental exercise. If you need to vent your anxiety, which is a valid reaction to some of the news we are learning, then call a friend or chat with another adult at home. In addition, you can do things that make you feel in control. Worry about any new onset of OCD later.

It must be said that sometimes the feeling may be so strong that all you can do is sit with it, engage in distracting behaviors or find a way to self-express.

In addition, try one or more meditative approach, even if it means enlisting one of the meditation apps like Calm or Headspace, the latter of which is free right now. Of course, it is normal to feel nervous. We all do to some extent, but you have a choice to turn states of helplessness and stress into empowerment and strength.

Get used to conducting check-ins with your body as you read the news when disturbing thoughts pop into mind. Look for bodily signs of tenseness, stress and anxiety. If you they are present, begin to parent yourself through negative mental states with messages of being able to handle this temporary phase in life. The more you experience yourself bringing negative states into the positive range, the more prepared you’ll be for life’s challenges.

Journaling can also be quite helpful when you are feeling nervous. Write down everything that you are worried about in a given moment. It truly helps you to gain perspective and calmness. One further journaling option is to keep rereading your entry containing all of your worries until the words have less emotional power over you.

And remember, do not underestimate your mind’s contribution to your body’s ability to fend off foreign germs.

Check in soon for more tips on managing your anxiety in the time of adjustment.

Good luck.

(Disclaimer: The information shared in this blog post is for informational and educational purposes only. Reading this post does not constitute a therapeutic relationship with the author.)

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Happiness

A Freshly Squeezed Perspective By Liat Ron, Co-Founder

by Liat Ron
written by Liat Ron

We are living in challenging times. So many parts of daily life push against our health and happiness. This is why we are rebooting Techealthiest.

We feel incredibly passionate about changing the world, which requires the first step of helping our readers acknowledge the impact of current modern challenges, including the political climate, world’s climate, the influence of screens, diet culture and so many other things.

Let’s build something amazing together.

You friend,

Liat Ron (Creator of Fear and Now, a documentary film in post-production)

 

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healthy selfie, techealthiest, liat ron, selfies, digital stress management
Happiness

How I Keep My Selfies from Destroying the Moment

by Liat Ron
written by Liat Ron

Let me take out my phone so I can remember this moment.

I got nine hours of glorious beauty sleep last night and I’m liking where my face is going with this.

I’m glowing. Seriously, look at me.

Just a second while I snap myself so you can see what I’m talking about.

Shit.

What is this? Is this what I look like right now?

Am I imagining things? Where is my glow? What’s wrong with me? What happened to my face? Seriously, this is not what I look like! I look better than this. I’m not giving up!

Let me try a different angle. (Or 50).

It will only take a moment. (Or 50).

Okay I think I have something I can work with, now let’s explore the filters. Just a quick edit and I’m done. (It’s art, leave me alone.)

I think I’m happy with it. Post it. Done. Phew, I’ve accomplished the art of the selfie today. (What have YOU done for yourself?) I’m also drained, depleted and I’m still obsessing that the selfie I posted was not perfect enough.

But sometimes my picture doesn’t open the door to hell. Yes, sometimes I’m pleased and proud and feeling artsy and creative. Too bad I never know in advance where I will be by the time I’m done.

Which is why it has to be a healthy selfie or nothing.

(By the way, I was recently shocked to find out that there are people who NEVER take selfies. Yes! Did you know that? I shouldn’t be surprised because the selfie is inherently the most unflattering photo of you. That’s why it needs so much work…)

I go to my healthy-selfie-or-nothing strategy when I’m not prepared to face any potential negative effects of selfie taking, including the time-sucking machine that it is.

It’s so easy and so liberating not to mention empowering and I love that it owns significant real estate in my selfie repertoire.

In a pleasing moment I pull out my phone but I only take one or two photos and then post, or just savor the shot without posting (yes, that happens too).

If I instantly become possessed with a bad thought about myself, anywhere from “shit I look bad” to “who IS that?!” to “let me fix that by taking a 150 more shots,” it’s a sign for me to DELETE these one or two shots, PUT THE PHONE AWAY and go about my business. I save so much time, energy, self-doubt and hurtful self-judgment (it’s never only about the looks, you know…).

It’s a simple formula that saves me from myself when I can’t be my own best friend.

One easy step brings me one step closer to being my best best friend. A win-win.

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FeaturedHappinessHealthify FacebookSocial Media Lama Says

What Your Posting Style on Social Media Says About You

by Greg Kushnick, Psy.D.
written by Greg Kushnick, Psy.D.

Finding Happiness via Social Media Series: Part Two

We began in Part One with the idea that you can significantly improve your happiness by focusing on gratitude posts.

We identified Facebook as a vehicle for enhancing your appreciation for the minutia of life and your “friends” on FB and in real life.

While your posting behavior on Facebook is not a true reflection of how often you experience gratitude behind the veil of your social media persona, it does offer a good place to start if you’re looking for an unconventional way to find greater happiness.

Using social media to live a happier life is an essential component of the techealthiest lifestyle.

Next we will go over the most important component of the lesson….

GRATITUDE POSTING HABITS: HOW TO BENEFIT FROM REFLECTION ON YOUR WALL

What types of people, places and events are easiest for you to express gratitude about on Facebook?

Is it easiest for you to thank a loved one for a birthday experience? Do you share how thankful you are for what your parent or grandparent has done to contribute to your happiness? Is it a no-brainer to share your appreciation for good food or a beautiful view of nature?

I’ve simplified the process of understanding your thankfulness posting habits by creating five “brands” of thankfulness so you can see where thankfulness comes easy for you and where you struggle.

I use the term ‘brand’ to honor our tendency to promote an image on social media that may deviate from how we think and feel in our private mental world. In the real world, our habits and thought patterns around thankfulness are probably closer to a style than a brand.

If we are totally honest with ourselves, we might conclude that we’re trying to project a certain image on Facebook, even with regard to how we show gratitude. The concept of a brand captures this need to appear a certain way to others.

The great news is that you are still contributing to raising your level of happiness even if you’re pretending to be thankful. You really don’t have to be 100 percent authentic with your thankfulness brand to reap the benefits of posting what you’re grateful for.

Creating a Facebook persona of spiritual superiority, for example, is certainly a lot healthier than an investment in looking like you only take perfect selfies.

So let’s get to the good stuff…

The Five Brands of Thankfulness on Facebook

Begin by identifying which, if any, of the five brands listed below reflects your Facebook posting habits. Note that there’s an incredible amount of overlap among the brands, meaning that you probably show different proportions of some or all of the brands.

If you don’t relate to any of the brands, well….pick one brand and post something ASAP to start building the habit of reflecting on how thankful you are even if you don’t fully feel it with every ounce of your being. Also note that I use the concepts of thankfulness and gratitude interchangeably to simplify this exercise.

1. The Public Kveller

To understand this brand, you have to know what the Yiddish word “kvell” means. (It happens to be my favorite word from any language.) To kvell is to feel extremely proud, but what makes this version of pride unique is that it refers to someone else’s qualities or accomplishments. You are experiencing the greatness of another without requiring recognition even if you play a role in it.

Facebook Habits: In my experience, Public Kvellers on Facebook tend to appreciate and post about the simple things in life. Since public kvelling directs the bulk of attention away from the speaker and toward someone else, public kvellers are often unselfish people who readily celebrate the good fortune of others. They are less threatened than their Facebook friends by posts that typically promote envy. Public Kvellers tend to be parents or pet owners, but not always. Extreme versions of the Public Kveller run the risk of living too vicariously through the lives of other people.

Examples: A kvelling parent would share with her Facebook friends how proud she is of her son who just graduated college with honors. A publicly kvelling dog owner would post pictures of her dog’s funny expressions and poses so others can enjoy them too.

The Social Media Lama says: The experience of kvelling is healthy to the extent that your intention is to direct attention toward someone else while basking in their greatness, as opposed to looking for Facebook friends to give you credit.

Have you kvelled lately?

2. The Reactive Thanker

We all have a Reactive Thanker in us. The question is whether reactive thanking represents your dominant way of expressing gratitude. Reactive Thankers are people who tend not to express gratitude unless something dramatic is given or taken. The Reactive Thanker may begin to live a more spiritually rich lifestyle if a powerful, new experience of gain or loss has inspired him to make more permanent changes in his perspective on life. The hope is that experience leads the Reactive Thanker to expand his range of expressions of gratitude beyond what pertains to just the one life-changing event.

Facebook Habits: Reactive Thankers tend to share thankfulness posts on Facebook in moments of achieving unanticipated, healthy perspective when sudden or unexpected events occur. Expressions of gratitude do not come easy for the Reactive Thanker. It takes a powerful experience to squeeze out a public expression of thankfulness from the Reactive Thanker. In fact, the Reactive Thanker sometimes finds himself annoyed by the thankfulness posts of others. In fact, he may be disgusted by public kvelling. Note that this brand doesn’t refer to people who make a conscious choice to post sparingly about what they are thankful for, but privately expresses gratitude with ease within the minutia of life.

The extreme version of the Reactive Thanker maintains a sense of the world (and his Facebook friends) as owing him something, and with this universal grudge comes unreasonable expectations of other people. These expectations include hoarding “likes” from his Facebook friends when he posts on Facebook, which temporarily determines his self-worth.

Examples: A Reactive Thanker doesn’t think to post how grateful he feels for how he benefited from a small act of kindness from a stranger, but will blow up your Facebook feed for days if someone donates a kidney to his father. (Ok, that’s a bit extreme, but you get the point!) A Reactive Thanker might feel irritated by your post about the amazing anniversary dinner you had with your significant other, but he would expect you to “like” his post about his father.

The Social Media Lama says: People who reserve expressions of gratitude for rare occasions or dramatic events tend to feel threatened and annoyed by the good fortune of others. If you believe that this brand fits your posting habits, consider dabbling in the other four brands to promote easier access to the mental health benefits of gratitude. Once again, the goal is to expand the range of situations in which you feel gratitude and gain a healthier perspective, even if it’s temporary.

3) The Self-Thanker

The Self-Thanker has a habit of publicly thanking people, God, fortuitous circumstances or whatever serves the purpose of making her look good. She may appear to be thankful just like everyone else, offering words of thanks to people who have helped her, but her intention behind the expression of gratitude is quite different than most people. You see the Self-Thanker is really trying to look good to others. In fact, looking good may be of greater importance than making sure someone is appropriately thanked.

Facebook Habits: The Self-Thanker has a knack for appearing like she is perpetually lucky, thriving, and living a celebrity’s lifestyle. Her Facebook feed is saturated with posts in which she always looks perfect. The Self-Thanker probably spent a good amount of time crafting her post to garner the most attention possible. Her posts are less about art and more about maintaining a certain image. Some artists may appear to be Self-Thankers, but the difference is that their primary intention is to create and celebrate art. Self-Thankers tend to expect that you will post your experience of gratitude toward what they’ve done for you. Name-dropping within thankfulness posts is a often a giveaway that the Self-Thanker is flexing her muscles. Some of the most successful people you know fall into this category.

In its extreme form, the Self-Thanker uses Facebook as a way to get as much attention and admiration as possible even at the expense of seeming unfeeling or self-indulgent. Similar to the extreme Reactive Thanker, extreme Self-Thankers also tend to believe that the world owes them something.

Examples: A Self-Thanker would thank Derek Jeter on Facebook for a career of greatness when it’s clear that the purpose of the post is to impress others by having VIP access to the Yankees’ clubhouse. A Self-Thanker would only post appreciative anniversary shots when the purpose is to show how expensive the meal was.

The Social Media Lama Says: Portraying the Self-Thanker in moderation can be extremely healthy if your intention is to learn to celebrate yourself more often or to practice expressing gratitude in a way that makes you look wise or spiritual. Shy or self-deprecating people can benefit from self-thanking Facebook posts since it promotes celebrating your positive traits.

4. The Romantic Thanker

Romantic Thankers frequently express their appreciation for the people they love. They are not afraid to share what they feel and tend to be hyperbolic in their speech. Their hearts are open and they have healthy access to the inner switch that floods them with gratitude. The Romantic Thanker tends to take chances with expressing thankfulness because he has learned that such verbalizations usually lead to benefits within his loving relationships. There are risks involved in being a Romantic Thanker, as some people might experience his thankfulness posts as over the top, sappy, or bragging. In its extreme form, the Romantic Thanker often finds himself celebrating love too soon in his relationships and ends of regretting public declarations of love when a relationship dies young.

Facebook Habits: The Romantic Thanker’s heart swells so large with love that he feels compelled to post. He doesn’t necessarily care that some of his Facebook friends will be rolling their eyes at how over the top his appreciative posts are. The Romantic Thanker tends to post a ton of photos when relationship milestones are reached and looks for other occasions in between to broadcast romantic experiences on your Facebook feed. Thanking others is usually not reserved for only for gifts received, but for all acts of loving kindness.

Examples: In a moment of spontaneous nostalgia, a Romantic Thanker would share photos and appreciative words right from the start of a romantic relationship. A husband would post a long, heartfelt message about his amazement over how amazing a mother his wife is to his children.

The Social Media Lama Says: The Romantic Thanker is not motivated by making other people jealous. Instead, he feels compelled to share with the world how grateful he feels based on how profoundly he is moved by a person, place, or event. Practicing romantic thanking on Facebook is healthy for relationships since it shows vulnerability and it tells the world you are not afraid to reveal the contents of your heart.

5. The Self-Actualized Thanker

The Self-Actualized Thanker has the knowledge, experience and humility to share what she is grateful for more readily than most people. It takes only a small act of kindness for the Self-Actualized Thanker to express gratitude. Facebook just might not be the preferred method of sharing how grateful she feels. The Self-Actualized Thanker much prefers to express her appreciation in person, but will share her thoughts on your Facebook feed when she deems it appropriate to do so. She is motivated by the idea of spreading knowledge, wisdom and kindness. Many Self-Actualized Thankers have endured painful life circumstances that have imbued them with an appreciation for the minutia of everyday life. They are not necessarily “stuck in the past,” and if they do look back in time, they focus more on what has been gained than lost. In its extreme form, the Self-Actualized Thanker may appear detached from society, and they run the risk of being seen by others as posting from a pedestal of spiritual superiority.

Facebook Habits: The Self-Actualized Thanker is keenly aware of her potential to make other people jealous so she avoids bragging and is willing to appear vulnerable on Facebook. In fact, she actually tends to reserve her time and energy for more productive activities than selfies. Similar to the Public Kveller, she wishes well to her Facebook friends and is not prone to jealousy based on other peoples’ good fortune. The trademark of the Self-Actualized Thanker is her appearance as having no ego. The Self-Actualized Thanker doesn’t require as many retakes of selfies as most people do. This is the person who is routing for you and celebrates your thankfulness posts with you no matter how showy or foolish you look. If you fill your Facebook friend list with Self-Actualized Thankers, you will find yourself inspired by their words and deeds.

Examples: A Self-Actualized Thanker would reflect in a Facebook post on something that a lost loved one has done to better the Thanker’s current reality. A Self-Thanker’s post about a specific act of kindness he witnessed would inspire you to be more humble, to look for the good in people, and to appreciate what you have at this very moment in your life.

The Social Media Lama Says: There is great value in practicing self-expression of the Self-Actualized Brand of Thankfulness on Facebook. Others might not know that this is your intention, but that shouldn’t matter. Do it for your own good. Look to the pain from the past to inspire you to share what you’re thankful for even if nothing noteworthy happened in the recent past. Celebrate the tiny joys of life and the people who teach and inspire you. Surprise your Facebook friends by sharing thoughts of gratitude generated from unexpected people and experiences. Remember, the Self-Actualized Thanker’s posts do not necessarily represent the best of the other four brands of thankfulness. Many of the self-actualized among us avoid posting anything that portrays them as boastful. They tend to appear humble and demure.

Again, take special caution not to appear spiritually superior to others, as your posts may have the opposite effect than what you intended to imbue in others.

Conclusion

Practice each of the 5 Brands of Thankfulness on Facebook. More importantly, practice their expression in real life. Remember that these brands represent tendencies. They are meant to offer you a way to expand your range of experiences of gratitude in virtual space and face-to-face. This will lead to more opportunities to enter a positive state. At the same time, you are strengthening your connection to the people who matter most to you, especially when gratitude is expressed in person.

Best,

The Social Media Lama in Dr. Greg

(Note: Please know that I used gratitude and thankfulness interchangeably, even though they mean very different things, but a discussion of the differences would require a lengthy explanation meant for another time. For simplification’s sake, think of gratitude as a higher state of being, a grand appreciation of what is, something that promotes spiritual health. Think of thankfulness as an expression of appreciation typically following something that is given. Once again, I used thankfulness here to mean both. Refer to the links below for a more detailed explanation.)

Brainy Quote on Thankfulness and Gratitude

Grateful and Thankful…What’s the Difference?

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Digital Lifestyle GuideHappinessParenting

What Do Screens and an Insatiable Hunger for Attention Have in Common?

by Greg Kushnick, Psy.D.
written by Greg Kushnick, Psy.D.

How to Avoid Raising an Attention-Hungry Child in the Digital Age

What happens when a toddler’s basic need for love and attention is forced to compete, day in and day out, with her parents’ screens?

This topic currently weighs heavily on my shoulders and holds on to my conscience as I try to figure out the techealthiest ways to share my world with a two-year-old toddler.

Yesterday, I was smacked in the head with thought that I’m in danger of raising a daughter with a lifelong, vicious hunger for attention.

I was re-experiencing a nagging memory from last weekend of us sitting together in our parked car. My daughter’s favorite CD (and strangely enjoyable for adults…even on repeat), Preschool of Rock, was playing as my eyes wandered onto my phone to check my email for no good reason. I looked up at my daughter after 30 seconds of pointless phone use and she locked eyes with me and yelled, “Hiiii!” as though we were just reunited after three months apart. She danced in her seat to the music now that she had my full attention back, and she expected me to follow her lead.

She had been waiting for me to make eye contact with her, but I chose my screen over her gorgeous blue eyes.

I was disturbed by my neglect and the enthusiasm behind her 5 -second “Hi.” She was so excited to connect with me, so hungry for togetherness. Thirty seconds before my screen scan, we were merrily bopping to the music, but my auto-pilot interrupted this precious moment.

Nothing emergent necessitated my need to look down at my phone. It was purely a screen-checking habit getting the best of me (or should I say taking the best from me?). Let’s just say that I consider myself an attentive dad, but just like everyone else with a smartphone, I often don’t distinguish between the good and bad times for mindless phone checking.

This simple experience is something that probably repeats dozens of times a day for my daughter, and probably much more on the weekends.

What happens to a child who grows up with tens of thousands of memories of her parents interrupting conversations, tender moments, meals, walks, and couch time to check a screen?

My educated guess is that children develop attention-seeking behaviors in response to competing with screens. In toddlerhood, they tantrum or show mild protest to get their parents’ attention back. In teenagehood and adulthood, the need for attention manifests in more complex and self-destructive ways.

The quality of attention a parent pays to her child while they communicate with one another, as well as the frequency and predictability of disruptions in communication, probably determines how psychologically damaging the incessant checking of screens is to a growing child.

So what do I recommend to avoid raising an attention-hungry child?

Here are 7 screen-related suggestions equivalent to making a greater investment in the mental health of your children:

1) Most importantly, when you are around your children, commit to checking your phone or other screen less often. Just start with a simple declaration that you’re committed to giving your children a higher grade of attention. Say it out loud so someone can hear you. Hear your own word to yourself so your integrity matters more.

2) Think of the one or two places where you are most likely to commit the worst kid neglect due to screens. Target those contexts first. Even a mild reduction in screen checking will make a difference to your child.

3) If you do need to check your screen, do it in a predictable manner. Tell your child how long you plan to look at your screen and then have the integrity to give them your undivided attention once the time expires. If you must keep checking your phone, offer a warning that your attention will be temporarily suspended.

4) Never use screen checking as an attention-withdrawing punishment. That creates a painful association between your technology and neglect.

5) Just because there isn’t, to my knowledge, a solid base of empirical evidence linking screen use to attention-hungry children, doesn’t mean you should ignore this potentially painful and avoidable problem you may be creating for your child. Take a step back and observe the love triangle between you, your children and your screens. Don’t be surprised if you discover your own sobering evidence that your children crave your attention in a disturbing and unhealthy way as a result of the competition you’ve created.

6) Ask yourself how good the QUALITY of your quality time is with your children. If you’re checking your phone every few minutes when you’re face-to-face with your kids, then just know that you are teaching them that they have to go to extreme measures to gain people’s attention. (Click here for more powerful tips for improving the quality of your quality time in your important relationships.)

7) The hardest thing to do for most people is to simply turn off their phone or leave it in another location where it can’t be easily accessed. I recommend creating daily rituals with your kids that don’t involve a screen. You’ll see how much you and your children will look forward to this time. For example, when it’s freezing outside and we’re stuck indoors, my daughter and I will run around in the lobby of our building like wild animals. My phone is off during this time. (Click here for more on the signs that your phone dependency has gotten out of hand.)

Can you place yourself in the shoes of a person who has grown up with a memory of 100,000+ moments of wanting her parents’ attention, but had to wait for them to finish checking their messages or social media feed?

That sounds painful to me when I think of my child having to endure countless, unnecessary moments of being chosen second to a screen. I’ve already tried these recommendations out on myself in the process of writing this post and it feels great to give my daughter a less interrupted version of me.

Some parting words…

High quality attention is hard to find these days, but easy to give if it really matters to you.

Don’t teach your children that they only deserve part of your attention, or that life is about competing with an Iphone or an android for parental love.

Your children will perpetuate the same lack of attention to the people they love if it’s repeatedly modeled for them by their parents.

I leave you with this…Screens are memory killers. In order to build powerful and comforting memories of parent-child bonding that you and your kids will fondly recall for years and years, there can’t be a personal screen invading that moment. You need undivided attention to create a lasting memory.

This post presents a difficult challenge, but it’s as important as anything you’re trying to teach your children.

Just remember…

[bctt tweet=”A moment of choosing your screen over your child is a memory lost.”]

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A Starting Point for Managing Your Anxiety

by Greg Kushnick, Psy.D.
written by Greg Kushnick, Psy.D.

As a psychologist in New York City who has conducted thousands of sessions helping clients manage their anxiety, I have come to understand that there is one key to managing your worries. This key unlocks your ability to gain a sense of control over anxious moods and thought patterns. What I’m proposing also helps with an intense fear of something specific, such as a work presentation, medical test results or childbirth.

Just to clarify, when I use the term “anxiety,” I am referring to persistent worry and severe concern in response to an event that may or may not happen, the very uncomfortable anticipation of negative things to come. Anxiety involves a response to something in the future that is less likely to happen. Sometimes we feel anxious without any conscious awareness of what we’re anxious about.

We can all relate to the looping repeat of uncomfortable thoughts that accompany anxiety. Anxious moods steal our ability to focus on work, relax, bond with loved ones and get sound sleep.

My success with helping clients who are grappling with anxiety has depended on establishing the proper starting point for gaining a sense of mental control. In essence, the stage must be set before the band can start playing a relaxing tune.

Managing Anxiety Starts Here

The key to managing anxiety is gaining a sense of hardiness, or faith in your ability to cope with the unknown. Having this faith allows you to know that you’ll be ok no matter what happens. Hardiness is not easy to achieve, but the presence of just a drop of faith goes a long way.

How do you build up your hardiness? It starts with telling yourself 50 times a day, “No matter what happens, I will be ok.” If fear of a specific event is overwhelming you, try gently picturing yourself in the feared scenario and then tell yourself this message 50 times as you look around experience the sights and sounds of this event.

See yourself as making it through the event if you can picture what you fear. Say to yourself, “I made it.”

If this kind of imaginary exposure feels like it’s too much for you, that’s ok! Just feed yourself the reassuring message without imagery.

Faith in your ability to cope can come from a variety of sources. There’s faith in your mind, which refers to a sense of being able to control your thoughts and a sense that you’ll be ok if you lose control of your mind. The chaos doesn’t last. It’s time limited.

You actually do have at least partial control over some things that make you anxious. For example, if you’re getting a procedure done in the hospital, can you decide which doctor will perform the procedure, or the music you listen to, or who will be with you when you’re recovering? Focus on the choices you actually CAN make. The ability to choose some of the minutia of the feared scenario really helps.

The other side of building hardiness is to accept that there are some things you can’t control, which necessitates even a mild commitment to letting go and trusting in yourself, even if you know you will suffer for a period of time. This is where faith comes in. Faith in doctors, faith in God, faith in your efforts to take care of yourself, faith in people to make good decisions and do what’s best for you.

Building Faith in Your Mind

Your ability to control stress and anxiety ultimately depends on how much you believe your mental health can absorb a difficult event.

Sometimes faith in your ability to cope has to do with recognizing what your body can do for you without conscious effort. You were built to cope and return to a comfortable baseline of body functioning. Your body always resets to achieve as close to a sense of balance and equilibrium as possible. For example, if your heart rate soars in anticipation of a catastrophe, you need to remind yourself of your body’s ability to return to a comfortable state. Mental suffering generally comes in waves or cycles, as opposed to a permanent, unrelenting negative experience.

A sense of hardiness is also connected to your immune system. If you tell yourself that you can handle something, your body can have a stronger immune response. Of course, this is not true in ALL scenarios, but feeling hardy certainly gives you a physical boost of strength. Feeling like you can’t handle something is likely to elevate your cortisol levels, which weakens your body’s healing response.

Tips for Managing Anxiety and Building Hardiness

Below are a few hardy suggestions for learning to manage your anxiety on the next level.

  1. Start by sharing your experience of anxiety more authentically with a trusted person in your life. Remind yourself that you have this person to lean on if needed.
  2. Make sure you go at least one step outside of your comfort zone. It’s ok to be a bit uncomfortable if your behavior is in the spirit of striving toward something.
  3. Spend time identifying what’s important to you. What are the values you live by? What kind of person are you striving to be for the world? Judge your behavior based on these commitments. Knowing your values and who you are striving to be serve as a guide for difficult choices and personal boundaries.
  4. Take time to evaluate your personal boundaries with others. Who makes you do things you don’t want to do? Who makes you feel badly about yourself? Consider reading the book Set Boundaries, Find Peace to get a wonderful introduction to setting healthier boundaries.
  5. Evaluate your expectations for how an anxiety-inducing situation is supposed to go. Do you need to spend time learning to be less perfectionistic? Do you expect too much of yourself or other people? Setting reasonable expectations promotes feeling less shocked by negative outcomes.
  6. Pay attention to how you use your phone to self soothe. Are you over-reliant on your phone or should you commit to bringing uncomfortable thoughts under control without a screen?

Good luck to you and your hardiness!

-Dr. Kushnick

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how to manage shame, psychologist's guide to managing shame, Covid-19, mental health tips, cognitive strategies under quarantine
CovidFeaturedHappiness

Let’s Just Put All the “Shoulds” on Hold: A Psychologist’s Tricks for Unshaming Yourself

by Greg Kushnick, Psy.D.
written by Greg Kushnick, Psy.D.

(Updated January 10, 2024)

“I should think positive and avoid negativity.”

“I should use this time to accomplish something.”

“I should be cooking more often.”

“I should learn a new language.”

“I should exercise on a schedule.”

“I should be eating healthy.”

My advice on the best response to these five “should” statements: No, no, no, no and no.

Why should you reject these recommendations? For starters, this is not the time to accomplish much. The Covid-19 pandemic is creating a sustained sense of mental heaviness, the likes of which we’ve never felt before.

It feels as though gravity has become a heavier force that opposes everything we want and need to do. It pushes back on our efforts to take care of ourselves.

Reality Versus Your Expectations: The First Step Toward Conquering the “Shoulds”

A great first step for protecting yourself from the psychologically damaging effects of unrealistic expectations is to quarantine all of the messages promoting productivity. What do I mean by this? Be aware of how these messages affect you. Do you feel shame, failure, self-doubt, defeat, guilt or can you shake off the pressure to be productive? What does it feel like in your body?

Pay attention to the shoulds that determine how you judge yourself. Here are some common examples:

“I should work out since I have the time.” (Exercise is not meant to be a form of punishment. Guilt makes us exercise less. Commit to something that takes the thought process away. Once you’re in a “Should I, shouldn’t I?” mentality, there’s almost no way you will exercise, so don’t put that pressure on yourself.)

“I should be more positive.” (Really? If anything you need to accept that this is terrible. I’ll get into more depth with this one later in this article.)

“I should be doing more.”(No. You’re doing the best you can.)

“I should be more on top of my kids’ schoolwork.” (If you care about your sanity, you’ll leave this one alone.)

“I should be more thankful for what I have.” (How is this pressure going to help you to feel more thankful?)

Whatever you feel when the shoulds start ranting in your mind represents an important cue for you. Once you’re triggered by your shoulds, ask yourself, “What is the difference right now between my reality and my expectations?” Yes, it all comes down to expectations. Manage them and you will feel so much better.

Tell yourself, “I’m doing the best I can. My negative feelings are totally valid. This is a crazy, scary pandemic.”

Repeat.

“I’m doing the best I can. My negative feelings are totally valid. This is a crazy, scary pandemic.”

Repeat.

Seeing Through the Social Media Cloud

What about all of the images on social media that promote perfection, productivity and frolicking in nature? Well, that’s just not reality for most of us. Allowing yourself to be influenced by idealized visual reminders of an unattainable reality will only promote a sense of failure and self-loathing.

Pay attention to how awful you feel when you see posts of people living the good life. I know social media is a necessary distraction for many of us, but do yourself a favor and monitor its impact on how you view your life. I think you’ll find that many posts make you feel terrible about yourself. Unfollow the people who tend to make you feel less accepting of yourself. It’s a mentally freeing exercise.

Kudos to you if you feel something positive when you see video posts of celebrities showcasing their athletic kids bouncing on a trampoline next to their olympic-sized pool in their football-field-sized backyard in the hills of Hollywood.

Humor is a great tool for promoting self-acceptance and reducing negative self-appraisals. If you want to hear someone who has mastered this ability, watch Tova Leigh, a courageous social media influencer with an amazing talent for verbalizing what we’re all feeling but can’t admit to ourselves.

“My Instagram feed is filled with people cycling and boasting about all of the new skills they’re learning, like taking up new languages. How is knowing Mandarin helpful to you right now? You’re not going anywhere.”

Tova Leigh, Social Media Influencer and Writer

A combination of humor and a self-accepting appraisal of your current limitations will free you of some of the burden of the shoulds you carry.

Let’s move on to another strategy for controlling your “pandemic expectations.”

“Shouldhood Leads to Shithood!”

These are the immortal words of Albert Ellis, the Founder of Rational Emotive Therapy (RET or REBT), a therapeutic approach somewhat similar to Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.

Ellis encourages us to fight back against the shoulds, knowing that too many of them leads to self-loathing. The land of shouldhood is not a place from which to motivate yourself. Shoulds need to be disputed from a place of self-acceptance and realism. Challenge each should-statement by disputing their validity. Take the air out of your shoulds by coming from a place of self-acceptance and realism, especially considering the weight of the world that’s sometimes on our shoulders. For example, ask yourself where the evidence is that you’re supposed to be able to get in shape during the quarantine? It’s a pandemic right now. You’re supposed to struggle with motivation! You have more important things to deal with right now.

Immunity from Toxic Positivity

Toxic positivity is a newer term used to describe the pressure we feel to be positive and hopeful. These types of messages are omnipresent.

The problem is that they are often invalidating. When we feel a negative emotion and someone says, “Don’t worry, be happy,” or “think of the bright side,” it can be experienced as shaming us for feeling what we feel.

Some negative emotions can be healthy now and beyond the pandemic, such as sadness, sorrow, deep regret and great concern. The pandemic may demand that you face these states of mind. Allow yourself to feel them. Know that the most intense moments of feeling negative will pass.

In fact, you shouldn’t feel any differently. You’re supposed to suffer in this unbelievable time in history. Allow yourself to be human. As a human, you’re wonderfully flawed, prone to error, bad judgment and self-defeating behavior just like everyone else. Allow yourself to feel the raw feelings. You don’t have to be positive, but if you want to know the best way to live in the now and feel content, it all starts from a place of self-acceptance.

People will often be unaware of the pressure they’re putting on you to be positive. I recommend letting someone know that what they say isn’t helpful. You don’t have to say that they’re being toxic. Tell them something like, “You’re shaming me for feeling what I feel. I’d feel more supported if validated that it’s ok to feel (negative emotion).”

Pay attention to the sources that tend to make you feel shamed for feeling what you feel. Confront and/or avoid them to get through this time in your life. Moreover, be aware of your influence on other people. Are you validating what people feel or trying to force them to be positive?

There is a time and place for shifting your mindset from negative to positive. This may not be the time.

We’re not supposed to be fixing our lives. We’re in the midst of an overwhelming time during which all problems are not opportunities.

Summary

Sometimes we need to feel whatever it is we’re going through. Authorize yourself to be human so you have the space to be right where you are, as imperfect as you need to be right now. Minimize your exposure to social media that idealizes what life is supposed to be like during a pandemic can really help. Unfollow negative influences on social media.

Watch out for and dispute the shoulds in your self-talk to dilute the negativity and paralysis that your expectations create. In addition, strive to align your expectations with the reality of life under quarantine. This will promote less disappointment and more acceptance.

Please consider psychotherapy as a solid option if you are struggling to manage life under quarantine. There’s excellent help out there via video therapy. Also, please note that reading this post does not constitute a therapeutic relationship with Dr. Greg Kushnick. If you are feeling suicidal, there is immediate help available here.

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Digital Lifestyle GuideParenting

Are Search Engines Stealing Your Instincts?

by Greg Kushnick, Psy.D.
written by Greg Kushnick, Psy.D.

(Updated November 12, 2023)

Something horrible just happened. You have no idea what to call the problem, how to deal with it and how nervous you should be.

As your panic swells, you start googling for answers.

Your search yields two million websites containing all kinds of conflicting information.

Most sites say call a doctor, but one trusted site says, “Ehh, not a big deal.” Another online authority states, “Holy shit. Go on a spending spree because this may be it for you.” Yet another site suggests that you should consider becoming famous by allowing yourself to be studied by science with such a rare problem on your hands.

The confusion builds. If you call a trusted friend or relative who represents a calming influence, you’ll either believe that he or she is just trying to calm you down or you’ll share information from a forum that contradicts what he or she is suggesting.

We’ve all been there. It sucks and it’s super scary.

The internet is designed to numb your instincts unless you train yourself to look inward for the answers.

Your gut instinct is one of your strongest allies in the face of uncertainty. 

Google the Importance of Your Instincts

After all, YOU are the biggest expert of YOU, and YOUR instincts can speak to YOU as fast as google spits out results. All you have to do is build the habit of searching inward.

Google doesn’t really know you. It might know what you like to shop for or your general search tendencies, but it doesn’t know your essence. Your instincts do.

Unlike your instincts, Google isn’t wired to help you survive. And rarely will Google help you calm down. 

In fact, your online search results will only spike your anxiety and confuse you.

As humans, we’ve been given the gift of instincts. Our mind and body speak to us when there’s danger. They assess a threat deeper than the rapid recommendation to fight, flee or freeze. Our instincts can assess complicated situations and give a valuable and succinct opinion.

Google can’t do this, but we usually trust Google more than we trust ourselves.

(Google needs to add a “filter all alarming results” button for the times when we know we need calming information.)

When you’re presented with a problem that scares you and you hunger for information, I recommend the following steps:

  1. Stop everything as long as no immediate threat exists.
  2. Take two or three slow breaths and scan inward to listen for what your instincts have to say about the situation.
  3. Listen for a simple gut response, as opposed to a long and complicated answer.
  4. Then open your browser (if you must) and gather more information on your favorite search engine.
  5. Give your instincts more credibility than the search engine’s results.

Maternal Instincts Rule

The maternal instinct is the strongest force in the universe and the most valuable source for rapid knowledge.

The fatherhood instinct ranks a very, very, very distant second in most cases.

But don’t underestimate the power of the paternal instinct, or the BFF instinct, or the pet owner instinct.

They’re all so amazingly strong if you respect their power and listen. Trust your experience. Trust to your gut. And most of all, if you’re doubting a mother’s instincts, just know that you’re going to pay for it.

Since not everyone’s instincts are as strong as the maternal instinct (and some mothers haven’t yet learned to trust their own gift,) all we can do is know what to look for when it comes to listening to our gut.

The gut doesn’t provide a detailed explanation. It doesn’t use commas or semicolons in its assessment. It’s opinion is quick and unpolished.

The Day My Respect for the Maternal Instinct Skyrocketed

I wish I had listened to my own advice when our daughter was 9 months old.

I’ll never forget the evening I chose to use only one of two straps to secure her in her automatic swing.

As I looked over at her to make sure she wasn’t trying to get out of the swing (a habit she was starting to develop), sure enough she was leaning a bit farther than usual and she fell out, banging her head on the floor.

To make matters worse, one of her legs was still strapped in as she swung upside down, sweeping the floor with her head like a human pendulum. She let out a scream that I still hear in my mind to this day.

I thought it was all over in that moment. My guilt was almost as strong as my anxiety, and when she continued to cry in her mother’s arms, my guilt spiked through the roof.

I jumped onto Google to search for the signs of a concussion in an infant. Frantically, I read and cross-referenced symptoms on 10 different sites.

My wife stayed calm, enveloped our daughter in hugs and kisses, and breastfed her (the miracle cure for most problems, so I’ve learned.) She called the emergency phone number for our pediatrician. I continued to google like a madman.

“She’s fine!”, my wife reassured me. I wouldn’t accept that for an answer. I paced around the room, with the type of guilt that makes you feel like life is pointless if you make this kind of mistake.

Then the words came….”Greg, I can tell. She’s fine. I know her. I’m her mother. We’ll ask the doctor, but I’m telling you she’s ok.”

Wow, those were calming words. My guilt dropped a solid 30 percent. Thankfully, my daughter was fine and just had a nasty bump on her head.

Since that horrible night, I have respected my wife’s maternal instincts like it’s the word of God.

Listen for the Answer Within You

We locate the answers outside of ourselves.

Search engines make this all too easy. When there’s a problem and you begin to panic, remember the steps I listed above. Force yourself to close your eyes for a few seconds and look inward for a quick and priceless opinion.

If you have to google the problem, just know that you can practically find any symptom for any problem, so you’ll find whatever you fear and whatever you wish to be true.

Of course, there’s a wealth of information on the internet that saves many people, but at least give your instincts more weight than your Google search results when you’re coming to conclusions about the issue at hand.

A combination of search results and instincts can work in many situations.

Please share your own opinions and stories below. Do you agree with me? Do share.

(Note: I used Google as the sole representative of online search engines. Of course, my advice also applies to Yahoo.com, Bing.com and other search engines.)

(Disclaimer: Never disregard medical advice from a licensed professional. Just use your instincts in tandem with this advice.)

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weaning from breastfeeding tips by Liat Ron
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A Wean-Wean Situation

by Liat Ron
written by Liat Ron

How to Gently Wean Your Toddler

I think we weaned today. It’s only been a few days since I introduced the idea of weaning to Lulu (with very mixed emotions,) and this morning she surprised me by being open to an alternative to my milk, aka hemp-coconut. When it was time to nurse she was happy with the cup of milk as a substitute for my boob. I watched her walking around, smirking and saying “milk” with pride and even raising the cup, declaring “boob,” as in– this is my boob replacement and I’m totally cool with that. She even asked for more!
Lulu approves of this new taste and she’s pumped (pun times) to drink milk from a cup rather than from a boob. Done. It means that last night was our last nursing session (!!!! ???) and now I am watching my baby while sobbing internally in perplexed, emotional disbelief. Is this really it??
———-
No, it wasn’t it. I started that post two months ago, almost a whole month before we actually weaned, but you see I didn’t know it yet and so the highlights of date night that evening were Goog trying to comfort me and sushi that tasted like tears. Oh, how naive I was.That goes to show you that you can’t wean cold turkey. I mean you probably can, but you shouldn’t. The longer you’ve nursed the longer you should take to wean.
I mean there’s always the option of 100% self-weaning, which is what I had initially set out to do. Well, not initially (Hello I’m Liat and I’m a sidetracker.) At birth I didn’t know much about nursing except for the fact that I wanted to do it but had no idea for how long (Note: Don’t ever ask a mom how long she plans to breastfeed. We don’t know exactly how long and it’s annoying and smells like judgment.)

 

At some point, probably a few months in, I couldn’t imagine myself not nursing. My love for breastfeeding increased hand-in-hand with my love for Lulu. As we reached toddlerhood, we discovered a whole new set of benefits to breastfeeding in addition to the obvious. At 18 months we moved to two nursing sessions a day (unless immediate comfort was needed, which made nursing even more sensible to continue.)

My mind was set: I would do that tandem nursing thing! Totally! Visions and fantasies kept pouring in- it would solve so many problems! I would nurse for years, kid after kid. It would make pregnancy with a toddler easier, the milk would already be flowing so no issues with first days supply and such. And of course, if Lulu ever got jealous, then the boob would still be available to her. Unless, of course, she self-weaned any time before she had a sibling. It was going to be 100% self weaning.

But once again, I was naive and ignored my needs. Sounds familiar?

As Lulu reached the age of two, I reached the We-Must-Wean phase. Breastfeeding affects each woman differently, and after two years I dared to admit to myself that I wanted my body back all to myself. I wanted my boobs to not only feel like food. Most importantly, I realized I didn’t want to embark on another pregnancy before I had all of me to myself, before I found the hormonal balance I was missing, before I could spend time getting to know clean-slate me. I wanted to be the best mama I could be and I knew I needed to recharge and reconnect with myself in order to be prepared for my new phase of motherhood. Needless to say, I also felt painfully guilty and selfish because clearly Lulu had other plans for us. She did not share the same views and it turned out she was not self-weaning material.

Sorry, not self-weaning material

 

I was stuck and Google was disappointing so I started reaching out to mamas who knew exactly what I was dealing with. I was afraid to be judged, even though I was only I who was judging me. They reminded me that two years is a remarkable achievement and how hard on myself I can be. Feeling less and less guilty led the way to finding the gentlest, most loving and respectful ways I could find to slowly but surely wean. I also learned from the most supportive mama that it’s a “beautiful dance” and so it was. A process. There was no science to guide me through the process, just strong instincts.

Friends have been asking me for tips since Lulu and I completed our long weaning process and I finally sat down and compiled the following guide. By no means do I pretend to present a step-by-step guide and personally I wouldn’t have been satisfied following one myself. I highly recommend discovering your own weaning journey and letting the process lead you as organically as can be.Here is a group of ideas that worked for us, which I hope can help you feel less lost and more secure, confident and empowered on your path to weaning.

How to Gently Wean Your Toddler

1. Get in the Instincts Zone

Now stay there! Don’t desert it for Google or any forum de jour. Simple idea but without a doubt the most important thing I will say to you here. Let your mama instincts guide you and, just as significantly, TRUST that they will. Just knowing they are at your disposal can lighten your load. You will be impressed with the creative ideas they will come up with. They know your child and you better than any expert/doctor/guru/fellow mom. The Instincts Zone works best in the moment, when you need an immediate answer. When I was trying to move from short to even shorter sessions, a fun song of counting came to me. We would count together so Lulu had a light framework for how much time she had with my boob. It turned into more of a game and less of a way to get Lulu off the boob.

2. Map Out Specific Steps You Wish to Take But Be Open to Shifts and Avoid Stopwatching

Don’t be discouraged if you have to take a step back after moving forward. Trust me, you are still moving in the right direction, even if it’s a lot slower than you expected.

Don’t be discouraged. You’ll get there.

– We started out our weaning with two nursing sessions a day. You might be starting with four or even five, so be patient with your journey and remember that the more daily sessions the longer the process should be. Take it step by step…by step, unless your child demonstrates readiness for rapid progression.

– I didn’t decide which nursing session of the day will be the last to go even though I was told it was always the morning one. We experimented with both to find the best option for us. You will know when you get there.

– I slooooowly started shortening our two sessions a day (before bed needed more work as we started out with 15-20 minutes (very long, I know) until they became very, very short. It took weeks (and sometimes we moved backwards) but this was the most organic, almost unnoticeable way to approach a relatively painless weaning process.

– A smart mama shared with me her brilliant evening ritual while she was weaning. We changed the order and started nursing before bath time, right after dinner. I highly doubted it would go smoothly because our right-before-bed nursing session felt like something that could never change except for shortening it a drop. You can imagine how shocked I was when Lulu happily adapted. It broke the link between boobs and sleep, which was a pivotal step on the road to full weaning.

I still chose to continue “doing” bedtime every night by maintaining all of our other routines (singing our lullabies, going over everything we have done that day, sharing my blessings for a peaceful night’s sleep, our special kisses and hugs etc.) so Lulu would not  feel like “everything” was being taken away from her. Yes, at first the voices in my head yelled something like hello?! What the hell are you doing?! Go somewhere! Do something! But it was worth it. The truth is, I didn’t and still don’t mind our bedtime routine. I enjoy it even after we weaned and prefer to be there as much as I can.

– I made a choice to replace our boob milk with non-dairy milk and we experimented with hemp-coconut (which Lulu claimed tasted closest to my milk,) unsweetened vanilla almond and unsweetened cashew. Even though she asks for it occasionally and goes through periods of milk every morning, Lulu seems disinterested in replacement milk as a daily habit and I have released the milk idea, knowing that she gets all essential nutrients from food. I still can’t help but offer it every morning as I pour my non-dairy choice into my coffee…

3. Talk Talk Talk

The more prepared your toddler is the easier it will be for both of you.

Give their listening comprehension the credit it deserves- they do understand! First, I planted the seed by talking to Lulu a lot about it before we actually changed our nursing routine. Even though her response was always “no” (with the subtext of “Do me a favor, let’s change the subject”,) she understood that sometime in the future milk would no longer reside in my boobs but there would be replacements and she would still, for instance, be able to hug the boobs for comfort if she wanted to. Whatever you choose to say, remain respectful and make sure your child does not feel shame in the fact that they want to nurse.

Once we were left with one nursing session a day and my supply was far from something to write home about, I tasted my milk and it was salty. Ladies, weaning milk is salty! I decided to recruit the new fact, so every time we nursed I would gently remind Lulu that the little milk that was left was salty and maybe not so yummy anymore. It still didn’t stop her but this is when our nursing sessions dramatically shortened into seconds (as in let’s count to ten, maybe fifteen.) And yet we continued to nurse, holding on to that special hard-to-describe bond while I was flooded with mixed feelings and sadness over the nearing end of an era. My “salty” statement eventually worked way too well, as Lulu mocked my boobs calling them  “yucky” for weeks after we weaned. She made sure that everyone around knew that “the boobs are broken.”

4. New Rituals

Once you’ve started your weaning journey, invite other rituals that keep the two of you close. Don’t force anything, be in the moment, let your child lead and only introduce rituals that feel right to both of you. Dancing, cuddling, getting your nails done, anything imaginable that makes your child feels like she has you all to herself.

The last couple of weeks of weaning were the toughest on Lulu. We were left with only a few seconds in the morning and as she began longing for more exclusive mommy time, Lulu asked to revisit our good old Ergo and before I knew it, we started taking early, tender morning walks, the only thing that truly calmed her and set a peaceful tone for the day. She would hold on tight and we would sing and talk or just hold hands quietly. It was our unbreakable, uninterrupted bonding time together, almost like nursing.

For a few weeks she also asked to get in the Ergo with a pacifier at least once a day, not for walking outside but just to be close. Even though we only use a pacifier for sleep, I embraced it as a worthy replacement ritual.

Weaning Ergo trips
One of Ergo’s first days on the job

 

At this point she no longer asks for the carrier but does ask to relax on Goog and me with her pacifier and we follow our gentle approach by allowing short spurts. Her new world does not include the remarkable closeness provided by nursing and we find it important to remain flexible, loving and attentive.

5. Stay Around 

This may sound a little radical but try to stay around throughout the weaning process. Weaning while you’re absent is popular for a reason. It certainly makes it emotionally easier on you and the weaning process can be potentially complete in one weekend, which made me consider the option, but once theory entered reality, I just knew that I needed to be there to provide all of our other comforting routines.

Staying around

 

I should confess that the first night when I decidedly did not nurse felt like entering the lion’s den. I mean what was I thinking?! She would just let me gingerly skip her most sacred evening ritual?! Just like that??
Well she actually did! I believe the only reason it went smoothly was because, in addition to it being a process rather than abrupt withdrawal, I was still offering the security and comfort of our whole evening routine (minus the boob.)

6. As Gentle as Can Be, There Will Still Be Tears

 

It will be a slow, gentle, intentional, mindful, loving, respectful process but you should have realistic expectations: You will both shed tears and it will be painful to some degree. Sometimes very painful.

Take daily pictures

 

For me the most dramatic emotions erupted in the beginning of our journey. I was already imagining us fully weaned and I remember asking Goog to take daily pictures for fear that “today might be the last nursing session.” (I said naive, didn’t I?) The last day of weaning went almost unnoticed as I was preparing for so long.

Saying goodbye to breastfeeding your child is a monumental event and it’s impossible to escape the emotional impact, even if you can’t wait to wean. Not to mention there are hormones involved, and I don’t need to tell you about the lovely hormones, do I?..

Tears

 

As for Lulu, it took a whole month of not nursing for her to release the last trace of frustration and anger. Even though she was absolutely content without boob milk, she was still reminded of the ritualistic aspect and it took a long time till she could come into our bed in the morning without being sort of pissed at me for a moment. You can’t blame her for missing what we used to do together every morning for over 25 months.
I miss those calm, snugly moments too! But during those first post-weaning weeks we had no morning huggies.

 

Bye bye, morning huggies

She would tell Goog with the utmost urgency that they needed to go into the kitchen together and make the coffee. Their bond, while we are at it, has been growing so beautifully ever since we weaned that sometimes (and sometimes more than sometimes) I’m no longer her go-to person (Yay! But also…pinch at the heart….but yay….pinch…yay…)
Still buddies

Yes, it took us weeks, but I’m proud to share that Lulu and I now enjoy affectionately reminiscing about the days we used to nurse and she loves to demonstrate how there’s no more milk left in my boobs. She’s actually become extra cuddly with me.

A few days ago I was struck  by the realization that I was still avoiding the boob area whenever I rubbed body lotion. Can anyone relate? So there I was–post-shower–and just went for it! Whoa! BODY LOTION ON MY BOOBS! I can’t say it’s back to feeling as natural as it used to but body lotion is for the whole body and it’s time for me to reconnect all of my dots and include my boobs in my me rituals.

Just one more for the road 
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FeaturedHappinessHappiness TechParenting

Hanging On By a Thread

by Liat Ron
written by Liat Ron

My daughter turned four and a half today and I didn’t acknowledge that. I just finished tucking her in and it suddenly hit me.  Guilt is approaching me right now like a giant wave, and there’s nowhere to go but surrender. I suck. I will, however, remember to acknowledge her brother’s 4th month birthday tomorrow, with the appropriate photo shoot and Facebook post…. Have I mentioned guilt? The ugliest kind…

I forgot my firstborn’s milestone today and even though I have “excuses”, I have no excuses. I suck. So what if I haven’t slept in weeks (and I’m not taking about the luxurious, refreshing scenario of 6 hours a night with 2 breaks for feedings), so what if her brother has lately been attached to my nipple every day and every night, all night, and won’t let go, so what if I can’t function and yet I do because there’s no alternative, so what if I feel like my body is going to completely shut down if I don’t find a way to take a break, to sleep, so what if I can’t process simple thoughts and feel like I’m sleep walking most of the time, so what if I need coffee to be able to talk, so what if I can’t find me, so what if there’s nothing outside of the immediate, urgent Mothering that I’m able to touch these days.

Unless cooking, cleaning, doing dishes, laundry and food shopping count. And my man. My man. Where is my man? I miss my man. I can hardly keep my eyes open when he gets home late at night. All I want is to be with him but the darkness of the night wins every single time. And as my body finally hits the bed, eyes already shut, my boobs are summoned for another night of unsuccessfully trying with all my power to remove my nipple from my baby’s mouth. When he lets go, I get sleep. I call it my night nap. Because it’s short (but not so sweet).

And the thing is that I’m so incredibly  happy. I love being pregnant and loved giving birth and been so high on love ever since, so connected to the moment, so energetic and productive, even on not much sleep. But not much sleep has become close to none and the pure physical symptoms are infecting my mental and emotional world as well and so I feel like I’m drowning. So clear why sleep deprivation is a form of torture. You can probably get me to do anything for sleep now…. I ever started developing morbid fantasies. The other day I actually planned on checking myself into Hoboken hospital. They are so nice there, I thought, and their new maternity ward is lovely. They will surely take me and baby and care for us for a few days, giving me all the restorative sleep that I need with only short nursing breaks. A win win. But then I realized they would probably call child services so I ditched the plan.

I’m very well aware that it’s all very temporary. I know that sleep will fix everything (including my writing skills, please excuse my poor writing…). Even the intensely emotional way I currently perceive my daughter’s forgotten half birthday today. One day I will laugh at it. Hey, I can laugh at it now….I’m pretty sure my parents didn’t celebrate our half birthdays. And that for sure didn’t taint our perception of love.

Alright, entering the lion’s den. Nipples, you’re up.

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happiness tips, how to be happy, mental exercise, dr. Greg Kushnick, judgment, stress management, mental freedom, mental health
Digital Stress ManagementFeaturedHappiness TechMental Change TechSelf-Talk

How to Achieve Mental Freedom in One Move

by Greg Kushnick, Psy.D.
written by Greg Kushnick, Psy.D.

(Updated June 1, 2023)

After helping thousands of New Yorkers achieve success with their therapeutic goals, I know a shortcut or two for finding psychological lightness and increased headspace.

I’m talking about the kind of headspace that can only lead to good things.

If practiced and taken seriously, this hack could potentially stimulate the following mental health benefits:

  • a reduction in unhealthy forms of social comparison
  • more experiences of being grounded via humility and perspective
  • a greater sense of connection to people
  • relief from some forms of depression
  • improved anger management

That’s a HUGE benefit stuffed into a quick but powerful intervention.

Here’s the happiness hack….

Every time you think or declare out loud a judgment against yourself or someone else, try saying to yourself, “Ahh, here goes —insert your name— judging again!” or “Oops, here I go judging again.”

Keep doing this even if it happens 100 times in a single day. You can be discreet and say it under your breath or in your mind.

This hack is practical and universal.

[bctt tweet=”The express path to happiness begins with putting space between you and your judgments.” via=”no”]

You’ll nev er be able to stop yourself from judging completely. It’s human nature, but what you CAN do is notice that you just judged and remove your immediate investment in it so that you don’t harm your mind and body.

Who are we to judge?

You gain nothing by judging.

There is no winning with judgment, only losing. It’s a complete illusion that you are teaching people a lesson by judging them out loud.

The only lesson to get is that you are essentially punching yourself in the head when you judge.

Judging other people is a strategy for artificially making yourself feel superior to other people by allowing you to look down on them.

Judgment breeds depression and it kills cells in your body. You’re essentially turning against yourself when you’re in the business of judgment. Judgment repels people and makes you more alone than you already may be.

People who tend to have trouble letting go of resentment or who believe that the world owes them something tend to judge the most. These types of people can make great strides by practicing this mental exercise.

If you doubt my advice, just try it for one day. Every time you judge yourself or others, point it out to yourself. You WILL feel something different.

If you’re accustomed to the illusion of power and superiority that judgment can bring, then removing judgment might make you feel stripped of your defenses at first. Stick with it and you will notice the difference in your mood.

This ONLY works if it’s repeated.

Plus, if you combine this habit with a commitment to personal growth, you’ll be a powerhouse of happiness.

There are thousands of directions I can go with this. but for now I will leave you with three closing comments…

First, I feel compelled to repeat that the true power of this hack is accessed through repetition and a keen awareness of the heavy price you pay for judging. The ability to separate yourself from your automatic judgments takes practice. “Here I go judging again” must remain close to consciousness for you to remember to challenge a judgment. Repetition allows for easy access to this thought.

In essence, it’s ok to become addicted to this thought. Without a practiced judgment-questioning muscle, you run the risk of getting lost in your anger and overall mental discomfort associated with judgment.

Second, avoid judging people who you witness judging you or others. Apply the same technique mentioned above. It’s common to feel an amplified sense of judgment toward people who struggle with something you’re working on (e.g., you are starting to lose weight and obese strangers start to annoy you more than before.) Remember, ask yourself, “Who am I to judge?”

Third, I must credit, to a lesser extent, my readings on Buddhism and spirituality, and, to a larger extent, Dr. Peter Reznik, a wise and worldly therapist and healer who taught me this extraordinary mental hack.

Feel free to comment below and let me know how it goes.

For more on reasons to stop judging, take a look at this link to a great Psychology Today article.

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FeaturedHabit ShifterHappinessHappiness TechMental Change TechMentality UpgradeParentingSelf-TalkWork/Play Merger

Has the Pandemic Stopped You from Taking a Mental Health Day?

by Greg Kushnick, Psy.D.
written by Greg Kushnick, Psy.D.

(Updated July 20, 2022)

Bring back the mental health day!

Mental health days are gifts to yourself in the form of time. Time is the most precious commodity on earth and it’s readily available for the taking.

The question is, “Do you lose yourself in your work to the point where it’s hard to justify caring for your mental health needs? The pandemic has taught people that work can be a weapon of mass avoidance. You can’t handle world news. Just lose yourself in your work. Your partner or children are annoying you. Just work more so you get some distance.

But there is a huge price to pay for this work-as-avoidance tactic. People start to resent you. You miss out on “life.”  It’s also very hard to reduce your work hours if an addiction to work is solidified over time.

The Pandemic’s Impact on Taking Mental Health Days

Let’s give ourselves the benefit of the doubt and say that work helped us get through the pandemic. We’ll call it a coping strategy. What a nice name for it. Well, the pandemic looks different nowadays. Can you still justify neglecting your health for the sake of making more money?

Am I talking to myself here or are you listening? The reason I joke like this is because we humans have an elaborate system of defenses used to justify working hard. We learn to tune out what nudges us toward scary versions of change. Our phones teach us how to do this as well. What? You don’t feel like having that important and neglected conversation with your partner? Just open Instagram and jump into your phone. Done. Conversation avoided.

Yes, the pandemic has taught us to avoid, especially when it felt like there was no escape. The other consequence of living in the pandemic is that remote work makes it hard to justify taking a mental health day. We say to ourselves, “Why take a day off when I can just do the minimum for my job and still count it as a workday?” That makes sense but there’s something to be said for totally tuning out of your responsibilities and justifying a day to relax or play.

The pandemic made it harder to justify caring for our mental health needs via days off. My hope is that as we continue to head back into the office around other people who emerged from their own caves, we will remember how good it feels to work less and play more. That boundary between work and play needs attention. Alcohol and drugs have been the boundary maker for many people.

How about if we apply conscious, free choice that is free of these vices to the process of choosing to care for our needs as a show of self respect? It will go a long way toward boosting a sense of self-worth.

Work-Life Imbalance Is the New Balance

Forget about the idea of work-life balance. I don’t know anyone who has truly brought this curated ideal into real life. The goal is to honor your mental health to the point where you become aware of changes in your daily mood and you have a set of tools and evasive maneuvers available to manage yourself better. A mental health day is the ultimate manifestation of self care, another concept that makes me queasy to say because it is so overused, but it is worth writing just once here.

Call them what you will…a mental vacation day, an emotional sick day, a press-pause-on-responsibilities day…these days are necessary survival tools in the digital age. Do you listen to the signs that it’s time for you to press pause on your responsibilities and grant yourself a sacred mental health day?

If you pan back and view your life from a distance, away from the minutia of daily life, you will hopefully see that time is more valuable than money or pleasing your boss or a deadline or keeping a perfect reputation as the employee who never misses a day.

While not easy to time perfectly, sick days are much easier than mental health days to figure out. Your body offers more recognizable signals that you won’t be able to function at work and that home would be a much more comfortable place to suffer. People (your boss included) speak the language of the sick day. They won’t question your decision like they would if you declared that you’re taking a mental health day.

A mental health day, on the other hand, is a different story. Most people wouldn’t feel comfortable leaving their boss an early morning message stating that they’ve decided to take a day off because they’re feeling more depressed than usual or the thought of an upcoming meeting is giving them panic attacks. People generally feel too exposed to use their mental suffering as a reason for skipping a day, especially if their work environment leaves no room for sharing weakness.

What about tuning in to the state of your mental health to assess the need for a day away from your routine?

The idea of a mental health day isn’t embraced by American society. It can be viewed as a sign of weakness, especially by people who value money and productivity over happiness. I feel sorry for these people.

But really…what better way is there to care for yourself than to honor your emotional needs for at least a day…to address the neglected parts of you and take a big first step toward gaining a sense of control over them? Vacation days have their obvious value. We idealize them and justify our sacrifices based on future vacations.

A mental health day, though, is the ultimate sign of self-respect (not self-care.)

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Digital Lifestyle GuideDigital Stress ManagementFeaturedHappinessHappiness TechSelf-Talk

4 Stress Management Tips for Reducing Digital Overstimulation

by Greg Kushnick, Psy.D.
written by Greg Kushnick, Psy.D.

How to Enjoy Your Gadgets Without Passing Your Digital Threshold

(Updated December 13, 2023)

Do you wish you were less stressed and anxious? Are you feeling overwhelmed by all of your commitments? There’s a place we all know where tiny changes in behavior can lead to a wonderful sense of personal control and calm. It’s your personal digital world…

In order to benefit from the tips offered in this blog post, it’s important that you first grasp the idea that each of us has a threshold for how much digital stimulation we can take. We’re so used to living our lives in an chronically overstimulated state, but it doesn’t have to be this way.

Believe me, I want you to get the most out of your personal technology. Just a few lifestyle tweaks and you’ll be on your way to reaching a more peaceful relationship with your devices.

Here are 4 tips for avoiding digital overstimulation.

(One bit of important advice…Pay most attention to the suggestions that bring up the strongest resistance or repulsion in you. These reactions often represent signs of denial and/or dependency.)

Tip #1: Know your digital threshold.

It all starts with your “personal digital cliff,” the moment in which any continuation of heavy screen use begins to work against you. You have a secret threshold for how much digital consumption you can take in a day and possibly in one segment of the day, beyond which your mood starts to dip, your focus suffers, you can no longer stop yourself from putting your face in front of the screen, and irritability and anxiety sets in. People often mistake these symptoms as resulting from other factors.

Get to know what falling of this cliff feels like so that you can pull back from your screens, even if for a few minutes, to rediscover your center.

What is your personal threshold for digital stimulation?

It’s the point in which additional screen use shifts you into a more anxious, irritable, overstimulated, exhausted, and depressed state of mind. This negative shift is undoubtedly influenced by other factors, including how much stress you’re already feeling in your non-digital world and the strength of your need to escape the stress.

Yes, digital overload can do this.

Many digital behaviors can trigger this “mental breaking point.” Stimulus overload from heavy multitasking involving several screens in one segment of the day can fry your brain. So can a day’s worth of constant texting, emailing, surfing the web, or other screen viewing. Add in stress from a nonstop schedule or a bodily rebellion from impulsive eating or too much caffeine and….walla!! You’re overstimulated and unraveling.

(If you need help identifying what digital overstimulation means for you, please take a look at my blog post entitled “Who Doesn’t Look at Their Phones to Calm Down?)

Techealthiest Suggestion: Begin to develop an observing self in which you monitor your limits for maintaining a sense of balance (and sanity!) as you interact with your screens. When you start to sense a shift in your mood, work hard on moving away from the screen as a way to soothe and try other non-screen related methods such as gulping down water, talking to a person nearby, writing, taking a short walk, stretching, singing a song that reminds you of good things, or reminding yourself of 10 things you are thankful for. If you’re willing to take one suggestion seriously, this is the one!!!

Tip #2: digital Multitasking is overrated and may be increasing your stress levels more than you may realize.

There are some wonderful articles written in the spirit of deromanticizing our love of multitasking. A recent article in Harvard Business Review offers some helpful insights about multitasking. Let’s just say that multitasking usually gives you the illusion of being productive. Under certain conditions, it can yield positive results and save time, but it’s very challenging to draw the line between productive and healthy multitasking versus unproductive and harmful multitasking.

The use of multiple screens is considered multitasking even if you’re just engaging in seemingly harmless messaging, checking social media, or browsing the web.

I refer to this moving between screens as “digital lifestyle multitasking,” the socially acceptable practice of shifting between screens of varying size, or the repeated checking of your phone in a way that takes you out of the flow of another non-digital activity such as walking or eating meals.

If you choose to multitask, ask yourself these hugely important questions:

a) What is the cost to your mind, body, and happiness of multitasking a particular set of actions?

b) Have you slowed down enough to have awareness of your mental state or how your body reacts to juggling tasks or screens?

c) If you frequently determine that it’s worth it or necessary to multitask, is there a time management issue that needs to be addressed? Are you battling an addiction to the rush rapid transitioning between screens offers? Do you have the ability to put a screen away to pay closer attention to another screen?

The reality of our digital age is that we’ve designed our lives to rely on periods of multitasking to get everything done AND we have very little self-control when it comes to resisting the temptation to check screens for new likes, comments, texts and emails. The bottom line is that digital multitasking may actually make you less productive and it appears to promote anxiety, irritability, stress, and a never-ending cycle of requiring even more digital stimulation than before to maintain a standard level of excitement.

Techealthiest Suggestion: Force yourself to limit the time you multitask. You’ll be just as productive committing to one task at a time AND your mood won’t suffer. For these reasons it’s necessary to develop the ability to shift into another gear in which only one screen is given your full attention and the others are tuned out. Think of it as an essential digital muscle in your world of screens that must be flexed after you’ve passively taken in multiple screens for an extended period of time.

At least once a day, challenge yourself to turn off one device when you’re using another. When you’re busy at work, challenge yourself to text less and avoid checking Facebook more than once in a while.

Don’t switch from screen to screen every time there’s a beeping reminder. Just know that if you let digital beeps control your attention, you will live an anxious life of constantly chasing the ability to live in the here and now.

This reduction in multiple screen stimulation is likely to make life less stressful for you. you need the have strength to make corrections to the If multitasking involves multiple screens, make sure you take short breaks away from all screens every 20 or 30 minutes.

Tip #3: Revisit your expectations for how fast you and your messaging partners are supposed to respond to each other.

Your current expectations of rapid responsiveness are likely to be making you a more anxious person even when you’re not texting.

Response demand is the expectation that you or the recipient of your text or email is supposed to respond as rapidly as possible. Dr. Andrew Weil addresses this phenomenon in his book Spontaneous Happiness. He argues that….

People who pride themselves on maintaining the fastest response time to others are probably the most likely to misinterpret any perceived response delay.

My suggestion: If you tend to judge or snap at people for taking too long to respond, or if you often to assume the worst when you think someone is taking too long to text or email you back, then something needs to change.

Similarly, if someone in your life tends to snap at you for how long it takes for you to get back to them, ask yourself if there was some baseline response time already established that your current delayed response is being compared to. If so, have a conversation with them that establishes healthy guidelines and expectations for response time so you won’t be held to a standard you can’t uphold. If you take forever to respond (i.e., days or weeks,) then this is a totally different conversation meant for another blog post. Also, if your boss demands a fast response time, then obviously this conversation I’m promoting cannot take place. Just know that your physical and mental health suffers more than you think for such digital demands on you.

Reducing response demand is likely to yield the following positive effects:

  • An immediate reduction in your baseline anxiety levels.
  • An increase in patience and reasonable expectations for yourself and others.
  • Greater success with delaying gratification in other tasks unrelated to messaging.
  • The ability to pause for a moment and decide if it’s the right time to respond to an incoming message, as opposed to an automatic process of responding irrespective of the price you pay for interrupting a task.

Tip #4: Find other ways to self-soothe that don’t involve screens.

If heavy use of your devices is making you more stressed and anxious, then it makes sense to find other ways to relax beside the use of a screen. This is a big challenge for most people because of the accessibility of our screens and how easy it is to distract ourselves from painful thoughts and feelings by getting lost in the stimulation that our devices offer.

My suggestion: Make sure you have other means of bringing your heart rate down and decompressing, such as deep breathing, taking a brisk walk, stretching, reading a book, or magazine, chatting in person with someone you trust, splashing water on your face, or rigorous exercise.

If you’ve conditioned yourself to calm down primarily by looking at your phone, computer or tablet, then consider that you are creating a dependency on your screens that will gradually reduce your investment in anything that doesn’t involve a screen. A lifestyle of screen-soothing requires you to stay connected to your digital world in order to feel at peace. It’s worth it to learn to self-soothe by using your inner resources.

Your reality, including the thoughts in your head and the range of emotions you experience throughout the day, will automatically get an upgrade when you find balance between calming yourself with and without your screens.

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