Love OptimizerOnline Dating StrategySmartest Future

6 Ways to Add Quality to Your Relationship

by Greg Kushnick, Psy.D.
written by Greg Kushnick, Psy.D.

Are You Settling for Poor Quality Time with Your Honey?

(Part Two of the “Rituals for Securing Relationship Health” Series. See Part One which offers a simple ritual to improve your relationship here.)

In the first half of the “Secure the Health of Your Relationship,” we established how the “state of the union” ritual is essential for relationship growth and maintenance. Now for the harder half of the challenge…

I would strongly recommend creating a shared ritual of monitoring the “quality” of your quality time together. A commitment to maintaining the quality in quality time is a key component of a healthy relationship. These valuable segments of time become the psychic glue that holds the bond together when something challenges the strength of the connection. It is a key step to fix your relationship and potentially saving your marriage. How do we go about upgrading the quality of shared quality time in your relationship?

Here are some suggestions if you are serious about securing the health of your loving relationship…

1. Make time for quality conversations about quality time.

I would suggest beginning with a discussion of the activities you both consider to be “quality time” and the challenges to building memories of quality time together beyond the obvious (i.e., long work hours or parenting.)

(Try this: Carve out the time to talk about the role that screens play in enhancing or diluting quality time. Is all of your quality time together at home in front of the TV? Are you texting or checking Facebook while you talk about important topics? Ask your partner how connected he or she feels during screen time. Share your views as well.)

Screens can be an all-too-easy way to avoid addressing the emotional needs of the couple. In fact, if screens dominate your quality time, you’re probably not doing much to regulate the quality of quality time together…the kind of quality that builds important memories of shared experience.

Shared memories of quality time play an important role in how connected you feel to your partner on an ongoing basis when you mentally picture the relationship.

The experience of feeling attended to by your partner in which you aren’t competing with his or her phone or computer or the TV screen helps to build valuable memories of togetherness. By contrast, the accumulation of memories of competing with your partner’s screens for his or her attention promotes emotional distance and resentment.

If you commit to an ongoing conversation about the role of screens in your relationship, you will be taking an enormous step toward enhancing shared quality time and building beautiful memories together.

2. Consider that a lack of quality time is often cause by a lack of quality attention.

Are you constantly dividing your attention between your partner and your screen when you should be bonding?

How rich and unobstructed is the attention you pay to the people you love?

Do you actually listen or do you wait for the moment to interrupt when you think you have sufficient information to cut your partner off (when your real intention is to shut them up and get back to your screen as quickly as possible.)

(Try this: Have a conversation with your partner about the typical scenarios in which either of you feel like screens are getting in the way of quality attention.)

For many of us, it takes an active effort to disengage from your screens to allocate all of your attention to your loved one sitting next to you.

Just know that if you really care about the future of your relationship, then the best gift you can give is a commitment to building quality memories together that aren’t degraded by repeated checking of screens. If you’re constantly degrading experiences by splitting your attention between a person and a phone, you will not benefit as much from the memory of the experience.

[bctt tweet=”The omnipresence of screens promotes passive acceptance of a watered down version of quality time in relationships.” via=”no”]

It’s a lie if you insist that you can still listen with the same quality of attention whether you are with or without a screen in front of you. Just know that your loved one is being systematically deprived of quality in the loving connection between you if screens are always included in the conversation.

If your attention is compromised during bonding time, don’t expect to internalize a warm memory of togetherness.  For example, if you and your honey go to a concert together and one or both of you are on your phone the entire time, then it’s likely that neither of you will recall the connection experienced between you during that event. If you string together many memories of disconnection from your partner during shared experiences, this degrades the quality of the loving bond and promotes blocks in communication. You can certainly lie to yourself about how large the emotional bandwidth was between you and your partner during an event, but eventually this distortion of the truth will catch up to you in the future.

The quality of attention during bonding time is a neglected topic in most couples.

Why? It’s usually because both partners have a powerful addiction to their screens, leading to a diffusion of responsibility for initiating change in how they spend their time together. If both members of the couple offer relatively equal levels of distractibility during quality time, then neither member questions it because there is (an unhealthy) balance that needs to be disrupted. If the scale is tipped toward one member who gives significantly less attention than the other, then it becomes the attention-hungry member’s responsibility to initiate the state of the union ritual or a direct conversation about the lack of quality attention during supposed quality time.

3. Fight against your inner teenager who wants to keep watching your screen when your partner requests your undivided attention. 

Your inner teenager can wait. Your screen isn’t going anywhere.

(Try this:  At least once a day, make a conscious decision to pause before acting on your need to check your screen when someone else is looking to engage you in conversation. Delay checking your phone until the conversation has ended.) 

When my wife and I realized about a year ago that our recently upgraded screens were running our lives and interfering with the limited time we had to bond, we decided to tweak how we spent our time together. The result of our efforts made such a huge difference for the relationship AND for our love of shared screen use! We both reported feeling more heard and understood by one another, and we felt a more powerful sense of closeness whether we were sitting in front of the TV or hiking through Manhattan. This seemingly magical enhancement of our loving bond came from an honest examination of the contents of what we considered “quality time” together.

How do you know if there is true QUALITY in the quality time you spend with your honey? Once again, just ask your mate what he or she thinks about the status of your quality time. Then share your thoughts. The real challenge here is that most people consider it the norm to engage in repetitive checking of their devices during quality time. It’s just something we do.

We’ve evolved to accept that our partners won’t be looking at us when we reveal in person how we feel about something important.

We’re growing less likely to put our devices down unless we’re asked to do so, and even then we still say, “Just a minute.” We think that if every night we exchange tidbits of info about our days and then dive headfirst into hours of shared TV time, it’s considered quality time together. Well, it is—up to a point, but the takeaway message here is that quality time is such a relative term. I would say that your loving bond is probably strong if you and your partner spend about 10 minutes engaging in screenless, meaningful, uninterrupted communication for every hour spent together with one or more screens present.

4. Discuss what your vision of a greater investment in quality time looks like for each of you.

(Try this: Takes 10-20 minutes per week to conduct a state of the union discussion outlined in Part One. If you plan to call out your significant other on his or her lack of investment in quality time, prepare to meet your partner’s resistant and defensive side. Very few people respond with openness and cooperation when the need to reduce screen time is introduced, especially with no notice given. Why? Because for many of us the idea of reducing screen time is experienced as having your absolute favorite toy taken away.

If you don’t see yourself investing in an ongoing discussion about the “quality of your quality time,” then your crystal ball could is likely to show that there won’t be much love in the future of your relationship. Think of time spent communicating with your full attention to your honey as points earned toward indulging in time spent losing yourselves in shared or separate screens. Yes, your full attention.

Does one or both of you buy into the adage “If you can’t beat them, join them,” which would freeze the two of you in the status quo with no growth taking place? I understand why it’s easy to think “My partner doesn’t seem to care about initiating changes, then why should I?” Just know that this way of thinking predicts dangerous levels emotional distance in the future. Don’t settle for quality time diluted by partial attention to each other’s needs. Initiate the state of the union ritual, or at least start a conversation about increasing your joint investment in the health of the relationship.

Given how enjoyable screens are, people often agree in theory but don’t follow their declarations with action. Keep in mind that the spoken intention to reduce screen time just to satisfy a partner’s needs is rarely followed by action unless quality time is actually experienced as rewarding and there’s a system of checks and balances in place to promote accountability.

5. Make a long-term commitment to creating and maintaining upgrades in shared quality time

Consider that happy couples in long-term, monogamous relationships naturally upgrade their quality time together when drift occurs by checking in with one another and coming up with a plan to improve emotional distance before someone acts out.

They check in with one another and make adjustments so that both partners’ unmet physical, emotional, or spiritual needs are fulfilled, or at least targeted. Partners who lack a healthy forum for promoting corrective measures tend develop an uncomfortable sense of decreasing returns as the years pass. When an investment in maintaining the potency of quality time is neglected and no check-in mechanism exists, the motivation to nurture the relationship doesn’t kick into gear until a problem in the communication gets so severe that one or both partners act out or explode with resentment rather than communicate in a healthy manner to convey emotional pain. This “crisis management” approach is commonly found in couples with a tendency to sweep problems under the rug until they can’t avoid tripping over it.

6. Treat the consistency of true quality time and undivided attention in your relationship as a barometer of how healthy your relationship is in the present and healthy it’s likely to be in the future.

We can determine the current and future strength of the love in our relationships based on the quality of attention we give and receive. It’s sage to assume that if the level of one partner’s attention is low (e.g., one or both of you are looking at a screen,) then the felt experience of connection will be low.

How do you improve the quality of your attention during time together at home on the couch? If you both accept that you will be on your devices, make an effort to look away from the screen for at least a few sentences spoken by your partner and show that you heard him or her. If one or both of you is tuning in to a screen, try to make physical contact by either holding hands or putting your arms or legs over each other.

**The true quality of quality time REALLY boils down to the ratio of time spent together with compromised attention (e.g., multitasking) or no attention to one another (e.g., sharing a TV show) versus undistracted attention and active listening during communication.

So it’s really a relative phenomenon. Sharing a relaxing boat ride certainly falls under the category of quality time, but if the couple lacks the anchor of quality attention during regular communication, then one or both members of the couple might look outside the relationship to communicate their enjoyment of the trip. As a result, the healthy benefits of shared experience are reduced. How do we prevent this from happening?

LET’S REVIEW:

HOW TO CREATE A RITUAL OF MONITORING THE QUALITY OF YOUR SHARED QUALITY TIME (Bringing Together Part One and Two of the Series)

1. Make the topic of quality time and attention matter in your relationship.

Begin by discussing what quality time means to you and encourage your partner to share as well. Evaluate the level of undivided attention you experience from your partner and whether you can make improvements in the quality of attention you offer. Consider increasing screen-free time together if you determine that your digital technology is interfering with quality time.

Commit to ongoing conversations about shared quality time. The most predictable way to jointly visit the topic of quality time is to include it in the state of the union ritual. You can also make it a separate discussion to reinforce what you’ve heard from your partner or what you’ve shared.

2. Make it safe for your partner to alert you to disruptions in the loving connection.

Minimize your defensiveness in response to your partner’s feedback on his or her experience of you and your technology. Avoid retaliating with accusations when your partner is sharing in an open and honest way. Also, be prepared for your partner’s retaliation when you share, and answer with love and a spirit of personal responsibility.

3. Take the initiative to share first when you sense emotional distance between you, or if experience a lack of focused attention or quality time together. Don’t wait for your partner to notice. Avoid punishing your partner for emotional distance. Go into troubleshooting mode together and create at minimum a renewed commitment to the weekly check-in as a system of accountability.

4. Learn to respect and acknowledge the power of personal technology to reduce your motivation for face-to-face bonding. Talk more openly with your partner about the irresistible pull toward your screens. Identify out loud when you need your partner’s help with putting away your own device, but take the initiative to show how you value your partner’s words and eye contact more than your own screen.

If you commit to creating an ongoing and safe forum for jointly reflecting on the quality and frequency of your bonding time together, then you are taking a significant step toward maintaining and upgrading the love and communication in your relationship for years to come.

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Healthy Selfie

Life From the Perspective of Your Selfie

by Greg Kushnick, Psy.D.
written by Greg Kushnick, Psy.D.

You just captured the sexiest, most artistic selfie ever.

You quickly check how the selfie appears on your feed and imagine the best case scenario for what your “friends” will think.

Yup…it looks good enough to post. And so a selfie is born.

Selfie-Bration

Hope grows for a world selfie-bration, or at least something more attention-grabbing than a few sympathy likes.

A selfie knows that his or her life is precious because a selfie only exists as a temporary reflection of its owner.

Life is risky for the selfie. It knows that as a young selfie, life on the wall can get lonely, especially when it’s pushed to the bottom and ignored. A young selfie, however, is hungry to test out what the world has to say.

The selfie relies on a standard diet of likes to stay alive and to feel valued. Comments are a larger feast for the selfie, a gorging on temporary gratification.

Despite it’s limited time to shine, the selfie serves the self tirelessly, always trying its best to reflect the best angle of its owner.

It thrives on feedback, but the selfie is realistic about how much it can do for the self given how quickly newer selfies move in.

Once the world’s first reactions end, the selfie knows that it will soon become lost in a sea of posts as it fades into an under-appreciated archival nursing home of older selfies and food pictures and inspirational quotes and random opinions vying for leftover likes during visitation hours from family and friends.

While the selfie knows that its shelf life for freshness is short, its owner is not usually as clear about this. The owner’s unrealistic expectations for the gratification a selfie is supposed to provide saddens the selfie. What selfie can meet those expectations?

All the selfie can really hope for is a short but memorable off-broadway run filled with ovations of virtual recognition.

The World of Likes…Loves!

Wow. Holy shit! Here they come!

Likes start to gather around the selfie like curious spectators stopping to watch a random street fight. Well, maybe more like a talented street performer or an unexpected rainbow.

The number of “likes” begins to jump, and jump, and jump.

The selfie welcomes with open arms (or at least eyes) the temporary confirmation its owner’s  awesomeness, attractiveness, artistic skills, or whatever ticket the selfie is hoping to get validated.

One thing we know is that a selfie isn’t shy. The selfie gladly let’s the shirt buttons covering its ego pop open as it revels in an inflated sense of selfie-worth with every uptick in likes.

The selfie is at its orgasmic peak as random people begin to comment with phrases like “beautiful shot” or simply “WOW.”

“OMG if THAT random guy who’s a photographer came out of the woodwork to comment, I must REALLY be something special,” the selfie thinks to itself.

When the Likes Leave You for Another Selfie

As the day winds down and the likes trickle in like droplets from a broken faucet, selfie-doubt steps in front of the selfie-bration like a bully who doesn’t want to wait his turn.

Don’t people check their phones after work? Where is everyone? What the hell is this shit? Maybe I’m not the greatest selfie.

Yes, inevitably, the likes and comments will stop flowing. Inevitably, the selfie will want more, even a tiny bit more. It might even look to see who of its owner’s most reliable likers haven’t liked it yet to feel more hopeful.

(This is one of my favorite mental games…) To battle the disappointment, the selfie starts to come up with reasons why people would admire him or her without clicking “like.”

Such is life as a selfie.

The Most a Selfie Could Ask for From Its Owner

How much do you expect your selfie to do for you?

 

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happiness, hack, wealth
Happiness

The Easiest Happiness Hack to Improve Your Reality

by Greg Kushnick, Psy.D.
written by Greg Kushnick, Psy.D.

Who wants an easy way to boost their happiness with no sweat required?

Here’s another happiness hack that I’ve had success with both personally and professionally.

In this post, the tip involves altering your reality.

The beauty of this tip is that it involves changing thought patterns as opposed to altering behavior. Therefore, this hack can be accomplished from the comfort of your own couch. It only requires a willingness to accept that what you are seeking in life is already right under your nose.

So here’s a Happiness Hack to Improve Your Reality…


Repeat after me…”I am rich because I have everything I need.” 

Yes, that’s it! If you say it to yourself enough, you might just start to believe it.

The richest people on Earth are the ones who need less to feel happy. Truly happy people don’t keep saying to themselves, “If I only had this, I’d be happy.” They don’t locate happiness just outside their reach. They are motivated to strive for more in life, but not because they are reaching for things that make them happy.

Can you imagine how much more enjoyable life would feel if you took a moment of your day to live, breathe and know that everything you have in this moment is enough to be very happy?

It’s all a matter of perspective.

Go on, say it. Say it now and say it often. When you accept that the here-and-now is where it’s at, your reality gets brighter.

This is what being “rich” is really about.

We’re conditioned to think acquiring more money will make us feel rich.

Take it from me….

There is no wealth like health and a sense of having everything you need to be happy.

This is the simplest path to happiness.

Build A Strong Inner Foundation to Effectively Welcome New Technology

We’re on the brink of a new era in which augmented reality devices will have the ability to enhance the humdrum of everyday life. Further enhancement of reality by a new generation of AR gadgets carries the risk that we will expect (or more like DEMAND) that our reality be artificially enhanced on a constant basis to grant us more stimulation, productivity or a sense of connection to our social media community.

What does AR technology have to do with feeling like you have everything you need?

We run the risk of chasing happiness, of not recognizing that true happiness is located in the present, in an unmanipulated, unenhanced reality…not though a headset or glasses.

When you are grounded in this way, AR technology will be less likely to develop into a scary, reality-warping addiction.

The Shoes You Need Are Right in Your Closet

Life is so much easier when you know where to look for happiness. But beware…look too often for happiness and you will fall through it. Sure you can get addicted to pleasure and find it everywhere. Pleasure is the most fleeting form of happiness. You can find it in a candy bar, heroin, alcohol, your screens, and many other places.

Those new shoes you want….they won’t make you happy like you think they will. That’s just you lying to yourself.  Nor will your neighbor’s wife, or a raise, or whatever material goods you long for.

You have to deal with this moment. Enhance THIS moment by knowing that you are rich because you have everything you want and need to be happy.

Even if you don’t buy into this mantra in the beginning, I promise you that if you say it to yourself 50 times a day, you will start to believe it and feel it.

Societal pressure to over-consume makes us believe that happiness is located outside of our current reality. I want you to think about accepting the truth of right now. You have everything you need for this moment. Repeat after me…

 

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facebook, friends, birthday
Healthify FacebookOnline Dating StrategySocial Media Lama Says

The Real Reasons You’re Stingy with Your Facebook Happy Birthday Wishes

by Liat Ron
written by Liat Ron

10 Facebook Happy Birthday Wishes and What Your Choice Says About You

Here’s my vain and naked truth. I came up with idea for this post while staring at my Facebook wall on my birthday. I’ll take this confession further and tell you I was in the middle of counting when the idea came to me.

We’ve all been there and we’ll continue to be there for as long as Facebook graces our lives. Most of the time we are the wishers but once a year we are the wish-ees.

We count how many Facebook wishes we got and the next day we thank the world for thinking of us on our special day, and how it made us feel like the luckiest person in the world…But let’s be honest, do we feel equally special with a HB and an elaborate rhyming poem?

And do we dare to dream that the wishes were bestowed upon us through other channels…?

Just between you and me, here’s the true hierarchy of birthday love for our social media age. See where you find yourself, and who knows, maybe this will even inspire you to find techealthier ways to express your birthday love.

10 Facebook Birthday Wishes

1. No Wall Wish

FB told me it’s your birthday but I don’t really know you. Wait, I’m not even sure we ever met. It’s taking too long to remember who you are. Maybe I should defriend you. Actually not on your birthday, it’s too cruel. I’ll do it tomorrow.

Or: I know who you are but the type of relationship we have or don’t have (we met at a work event and ignored each other at the next one? You had a crush on me and I don’t want to give you the wrong impression?) makes it impossible for me to congratulate you on your wall.

In a perfect world, all of our FB friends would be people whose birthdays we would like to acknowledge. Here’s a techealthiest goal for us all to strive for.

2. “HB”

I want to wish you a happy birthday but I don’t want to delude you. You see, I’m making it very clear. I can’t dedicate more than the time it takes me to type two letters. On second thought, I don’t even know why I’m acknowledging your birthday, but alas, it’s already posted. Oops.

If you find yourself HBing all over Facebook, you might as well choose the No Wall Wish.

3. “Happy Birthday!” (or !!!!) (or !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Clean and simple. I know who you are. I want you to know that I know it’s your birthday. Our relationship exists twice a year on our respective walls. We like each other enough to consciously add another number to each other’s birthday wall count but not enough to ever connect on any other level. If you break the code and write an actual wish on my birthday, I’m going to think you want to take this relationship to the next level, so just be aware of that.

It’s all good, people. I’m just calling a spade a spade, that’s all. Counting many wall wishes strokes our birthday ego, and I’m all for that. You are making someone say, “Oh, wow, he/she remembers me!”, and that is not a bad thing.

If I’m being generous with the exclamation points, it means I don’t want any further interactions with you, but I do want you to know that there’s still something about you that made me go the extra exclamation mile.

4. Happy Birthday, ____!

I’ll be honest. More than I care to admit, I find myself typing “Happy Birthday” based on a Facebook notification, which means I don’t necessarily bother to even check who you are. But look at me now, I’m including your name so you can rest assured that I took a moment to think of you and there is even a chance I would like to write something more elaborate but I either have no time right now or no gift for writing. Or both.

5. Happy Birthday with Emojis

Things are starting to warm up over here. I’m taking the time to be creative. At best, I would love to compose a heartfelt wish but I’m a terrible writer. At worst, I’m a talented emojier and I’d like to impress you with my skills, while making you smile on your birthday.

Either way, you are making someone smile on their birthday, and that’s a good thing. Bonus point if you decide to spruce it up with an effortless image or video you can find on various Facebook pages such as this one.

6. An Actual Wish on the Wall

I genuinely thought of a birthday wish. Whether I use the same generic wish on every wall or I’m crafting a unique one for you, I need you to know that you’re a special person, even if we never meet. You know what? Maybe we should meet sometime. Lunch?

Yes, lunch. Follow up with an invitation and you’ll find yourself climbing higher on the techealthiest ladder.

7. A PM Wish

I’m taking responsibility here, not to mention, a risk. Because who knows, maybe you will not respond, but let’s connect, for real. I can’t move any further because I don’t have your phone number.

Or- Hey, I’m special too! This is really about me. I’m coming to you through the back door so you can take a moment to think of me of me on your birthday. I want to stand out so I don’t end up as just another wish on the wall.

Self-absorbed or not, you are initiating a more digitally intimate moment. You’re bold. You have potential.

Equivalent to what’s rumored to soon be the new, easy way to post birthday videos on someone’s wall.

8. A Text

There you go. Moving on up, out of Facebook, one step closer to the real world. (Oh, but not the kind of text that sends an automatic Happy Birthday wish.)

Even if I only know about your birthday thanks to Facebook, I’m giving you the impression that I actually remembered. I like you and I genuinely want you to feel special today. Even if I only type Happy Birthday, it trumps a wall Happy Birthday. We are real friends and we even see each other face to face once in a while but life is too busy to take more time than a text.

You are so close to human touch, you should be proud.

9. An Email

We are getting close to the most intimate expression of birthday love. It’s the equivalent of an actual letter. Also, it’s never just a two-word Happy Birthday. When you send a birthday email, it’s guaranteed to have more depth and colors than a text. You take more time. You pay attention. You’re invested. You not only like the person, you love them. You’re using heavy duty, prehistorical means to express your love and appreciation.

10. A Phone Call

Congratulations! If you still call people who are not close family on their birthday, you are a rare but techealthiest creature. No one has time or patience to talk on the phone anymore, so when you use your voice to wish someone a happy birthday, it’s your way to let them know they are at the top of your list.

I hope the above list can help you make more mindful decisions when you want or don’t want to wish someone a happy birthday.

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Upgrade, computer, phone, tablet, iphone, samsung, laptop, iPad, update
The Upgraded Life

10 Secret Forces Pushing Us to Upgrade Our Gadgets

by Greg Kushnick, Psy.D.
written by Greg Kushnick, Psy.D.

How do we resist the magnetic pull toward the newest versions of the gadgets we love? It’s not only about improved functionality and the appeal of sexy commercials that drives us to upgrade.

The truth is that many of us can’t…and won’t resist the desire to upgrade. So what’s fueling the need to jump ahead to the latest, greatest technology?

Let’s just say that there’s more to upgrading than meets the fingertips!

Behind the scenes, you have your reasons for upgrading that are less obvious. These reasons hold a ton of information about what makes you tick, such as whether or not you locate happiness outside of your current reality. (For more on upgrading in a healthier way, click here.)

Here are 10 secret forces pushing us to upgrade to a new device (beyond the obvious):

Which ones can you relate to? (Feel free to share in the Comments section below.)

1. You become the upgrade…an upgraded device = an upgraded life

Since your devices play such an integral role in almost everything you do, to upgrade gives you the grand illusion that you’re upgrading your entire existence. You merge with the awesome power of the brand. The upgrade allows you to join the party. You equate enhanced features with the promise of a more productive and entertaining life. For example, you believe that life will change because you won’t have to wait four seconds for a page to load. Or you imagine that a better screen will carry your mind even further from the daily grind and entertain you like your eyes have never been tickled before. (Uhhh, there’s some….err a lot of truth to that…)

2. You tend to associate the thought or image of upgrading with the promise of increased happiness.

This mentality is common among compulsive shoppers. I believe it all comes down to how much we tell ourselves that we have everything we need. If you rarely tell yourself that you are rich because you have everything you need, then it’s time to start feeding this to yourself. People who celebrate what they already have in terms of relationships, health, material possessions, etc. seem less likely to make unnecessary upgrades. If you can separate upgrading from any effect on your level of happiness, then you can make a more solid decision about the timing and specifications of your personal tech upgrade.

3. Your daydreams of upgrading compel you to make the purchase.

If you are the daydreaming type like I am, then it’s important to pay attention to how daydreams of the upgraded technology prior to the purchase affect time management and your expectations about how incredible it will be to use the technology. Daydreams can be functional, but for many of us to get carried away with fantasies of life with the new device.

4. Upgrading is a welcomed distraction from all that isn’t right in your personal life.

Whether it’s the hunt for the new gadget or your first days with enhanced technology, I can’t think of a more powerful way that doesn’t involve alcohol or substance abuse to distract yourself from your emotional pain or temporarily fill a void in your life. People who suffer from depression may be more prone to look for opportunities to lose themselves in the hunt for the next device. Similar to a broader shopping addiction, the fleeting excitement around upgrading to a new computer or tablet offers a welcomed escape from suffering.

5. You make an unspoken commitment to live a life of perpetual upgrading.

This is really an extension of Reason #4. Some people live in a world of perpetual upgrading to chronically avoid painful aspects of life in desperate need of attention. Once the next generation phone is purchased, they start to become annoyed by the slowness of their computer, and as a result, they begin the hunt for another upgrade. Living as a perpetual upgrader is dangerous to the extent that life can feel heavy and messy if problems are constantly avoided. Important changes are only made when problems explode. One manifestation of a perpetual upgrader is the tech user who treats his devices in a reckless manner so that when the device fails, he has reason to renew the hunt for another device.

6. (Ok, a bit of the obvious but wonderful truth is needed here)…You look forward to the real life benefits of upgraded technology.

Let’s face it….new technology can lead to vast improvements in how you conduct your life. It’s just a question of whether you take advantage of the new features. You are aware of the new features and want to integrate them into daily life. For example, if you take the health app on the iPhone 6 seriously, there are benefits to tracking health and fitness statistics (e.g., calorie count, blood glucose level, and steps taken in a day.) Aside from dealing with a broken device, this reason is the most grounded way to justify the upgrade. It’s just a matter of whether you follow through after the upgrade with your plan to let newer features take your digital lifestyle to the next level.

7. It looks cool to stay ahead of the tech user curve and be the first to upgrade in your circle.

When it first becomes available to the public, walking the streets with upgraded personal technology gives the illusion of a bump up in status. No one who upgrades for this reason will admit it, but this is a legit justification for trading in your phone for a newer model. People take pride in being the first on Facebook to know, do or have something. If you pride yourself as a tech trendsetter, then you may upgrade for this reason alone. Some people invest heavily in making sure that others covet their new toy.

8. Repetitive exposure to smart, well-placed advertising convinces you to upgrade.

We can’t deny the power of marketing to influence our shopping behavior. It’s effective and they know it. Most of the effects are beyond our conscious awareness, but sometimes we are captivated by the perfect ad for the perfect product. For me it’s not the perfume ads of oiled-up couples rolling in the sand or the guy salivating over cheap fast food. It’s the Apple products. I’m usually smitten by the enormous advertisement above the Lincoln tunnel for the new iphone or ipad when I wait in traffic for the toll booth. Are you aware of the types of advertising that influence you the most?

9. You buy into the upgrading frenzy that our culture worships.

We live in a world of options, updates and upgrades. The cycle of availability of upgrades seems to be speeding up. Our culture determines when products become obsolete. It can feel like we are being forced to make changes. Many products are designed not to last forever. Companies know that our devices break and that we lose adaptors. Technology is designed in a way that obsolete products are no longer serviced as they once were. Parts are not available after a certain point.

We live in a culture of options (or at least the illusion of options.) We upgrade because we can! When we shop for a new computer, we get to choose among the many models and once we settle on a specific brand, we then specify the memory, screen size, etc. The process of choosing specs strangely enhances our investment in the upgrading process.

The combination of having so many upgrading options to choose from, plus the forced choice to upgrade due to a change in operating system, the device breaking, or some other reason seems to push people onto an endless upgrading train ride.

10. You want to avoid at all costs the situation in which a much more appealing, upgraded version of your device is released right after you bought what was once the latest model.

Some people welcome this situation because they can purchase the previous model at a decent discount. The upgrade chasers see this as a nightmare they want to wake themselves up from as soon as possible. Of course, the way we view the newness of our devices is all relative. There will always be something better. You just have to enjoy the window of time in which your device feels upgraded until it loses its title due to the effects of time, habituation and wear and tear.

Of course, it hurts even worse if you just made a sizable purchase outside of your financial comfort zone and then a not-so-much-more-expensive model is released soon thereafter with crazy-cool features. This crappy scenario often happens to people who tend not to do their homework before shelling out the bucks. Some perspective helps here. If it happens to you, remember that your model was featured in astounding ad campaigns not long too ago.

TIP: Take time to study your thoughts and feelings related to why you upgrade and how this process affects time spent on other commitments. You may find important parallels between upgrading behavior and how you invest in your relationships, baselines levels of thankfulness, the value you place on material goods, and whether you tend to locate happiness as outside of your current life situation.

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The purpose of this post and other posts on Life Upgrading is to promote a higher level of mindfulness when choosing to upgrade. We often have multiple reasons why we would want to upgrade. It’s complicated.

Keep a look out for more helpful info on the mentality of upgrading in the future.

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Habits, Love, Relationship Advice
HappinessLove OptimizerOnline Dating Strategy

This Simple Ritual Will Save Your Relationship in the Future

by Greg Kushnick, Psy.D.
written by Greg Kushnick, Psy.D.

If you asked a room full of relationship experts to identify the key ingredient that predicts long-lasting love between romantic partners, chances are they would hastily exclaim, “Communication!”

Yes, most of us know that solid communication is the gorilla glue that keeps couples happily stuck together for years, so what do you do when communication is the problem?

I’m here to offer you a concrete and powerful strategy for improving the lines of communication.

Simplify Communication

Start by agreeing to have a brief, non-negotiable, 10-minute check-in session with your partner once a week, such as a Friday or Sunday night. Consider this time to be a weekly assessment of the health of the relationship.

Address any unmet physical, sexual, social, spiritual, time-related, or other needs. The format is simple. You share your mind for five minutes and your significant other must remain silent and listen with undivided attention. Then switch roles and the second speaker receives the same courtesy.

No technology, no multitasking, no kids…nothing to distract you during this crucial exercise. During this time, you are free to talk about whatever you want, but the hope is that each of you will:

  • identify areas in need of greater attention,
  • generate a plan together,
  • report on progress from previous agreements.

If you and your partner simply find it too hard to accomplish this task, please consider getting professional help. Hopefully, this ritual will not represent the only time you share your thoughts and feelings with your partner. It’s more of a foundation upon which additional forms of face-to-face communication can be built.

A Non-Cheat Sheet

The real purpose of this ritual is to facilitate open communication, practice undivided attention, and troubleshoot any disruptions in how connected each partner feels. If this wide-open space for sharing intimidates you, consider discussing one or more of the following topics:

  • what you appreciate and love about your partner,
  • your thoughts about any quality time you’ve shared in the past week,
  • the ways you’re committed to your partner’s growth,
  • what you’re committed to in the next week,
  • what you’d like to see from your partner in the next week.

Results

The check-in ritual:

  • increases personal accountability
  • allows for any disruptions or new commitments to be monitored.
  • keeps the relationship feeling fresh.
  • promotes a lasting connection and enduring warmth that accompanies a sense of feeling felt and understood.

Even if you abandon the check-in ritual for a period of time, the fact that it was once implemented successfully will allow you to return to it in the future with greater ease.

Follow this ritual and the seeds of love will feel amply watered so the roots of love and connection can flourish. Good luck!

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Mobile phone, phone resentment, complicated relationship with digital world, dependency on phone, technology addiction
Digital Lifestyle GuideHuman-Phone Bond

8 Signs Your Phone Dependency Has Gotten Out of Hand

by Greg Kushnick, Psy.D.
written by Greg Kushnick, Psy.D.

Has Your Relationship with Your Phone Become Too Complicated?

Here are eight signs that you and your phone both need some time to think about where your relationship is headed…

1. You’ve developed phone resentment.

Phone resentment is a combination of anger, impatience and bitterness directed toward your phone. It’s felt most strongly either when your phone fails to perform according to your expectations or when you become hyperaware of how profound your dependency is on your phone. Over time, it takes less of an inconvenience to trigger phone resentment. Prolonged phone resentment promotes treating your phone like it’s more disposable than it really is.

2. You now carry your phone in hand everywhere you go.

Forget your pocket or your bag. That’s too inconvenient. You need the quickest possible access to your phone. Just keep your phone in hand and you don’t have to focus on anything else but your ongoing message chains. And you never know when you might miss a call or text.

3. You’re unwilling to power off your phone.

When you’re awake, your phone is not allowed to sleep. Period. Only an empty battery will give your phone time off.

4. You’re usually anxious about putting your phone on silent.

Your anxiety about missing something is getting the best of you. Relying on vibrations feels like too much of a gamble. You’re willing to sacrifice the quality of your concentration to make sure you are alerted to all activity in your personal digital world. If powering off your phone is not an option, do yourself a favor and go silent for at least short periods of the day so that beeps and vibrations don’t keep interrupting the flow of your day.

5. When you’re angry, your phone is the first item you look to throw.

The displacement of anger onto your phone makes total sense, especially if you suffer from anger management issues to begin with. Throwing your phone is a dramatic gesture given how expensive and inconvenient it is to replace. Many of us grapple with a love-hate relationship with our phones, which makes it more likely that we will displace our anger onto it. In all seriousness, if you’ve ever thrown your phone in anger or disgust, it’s a tell-tale sign that you need to learn more advanced strategies for coping with anger and frustration. Phone throwing may be associated with a tendency to avoid taking responsibility for your own actions, to blame others excessively, or difficulty using language effectively to let others know how you feel. C’mon people…you’re phone is innocent.

6. You’ve become a phone saboteur.

This is my favorite sign of excessive phone dependency…You make choices that can easily lead to phone damage. You carry your phone in hand with heavy bags. You’re reckless with liquids around your phone. You talk on your phone in the rain. You bang it like a jukebox thinking that the right angle of impact will eliminate malfunctions. You might want to invest in a sabotage-proof case for your phone if you’re a risk taker.

7. You keep losing your phone.

If you’ve had to replace your phone more than once because you lost it, of course it might be about forgetfulness, disorganization, a tendency to party to excess, or a lack of investment in caring for your important belongings. I would argue that it could also signal the presence of intense phone dependency or resentment. Maybe you’re disgusted with how much you rely on your phone. Could your absentmindedness be a way to stop yourself from checking your phone? The point here is not to stop at a simple explanation as to why you keep losing your phone. There’s likely to be more to the story.

8. You feel prolonged, intense anxiety when your phone is briefly misplaced.

This is one of the clearest signs that you’ve let your dependency on your phone go too far or you haven’t taken the time to back up your data. If you can relate to this experience, consider adding more time in your day without screens. And know that eight out of ten times, it’s either between your couch pillows or in a pocket on your person. Constant worrying about losing your phone tells me that something needs to change…and the change has nothing to do with your phone.

What these 8 signs of intense and complicated phone dependency signal is a need to reevaluate how you live in your digital world. Do you need to make changes in your digital habits to untangle your relationship with your phone?

There’s valuable information available through a deeper analysis of your relationship with your phone. Some bad digital habits probably existed in one form or another even before you started carrying a phone.

Challenge: If you relate to any of the signs of phone dependency mentioned above, think of how this tendency plays out in other areas of your life. Commit to altering either your problematic phone habit or its closest similar manifestation in your non-digital world. 

Click around Techealthiest for more ideas for living a healthier existence with your personal technology.

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thankfulness, gratitude, happiness, techappiest, social media,
Healthify FacebookSocial Media Lama SaysThe Upgraded Life

How to Thrive Like the Social Media Lama

by Greg Kushnick, Psy.D.
written by Greg Kushnick, Psy.D.

Priceless Lessons from the Social Media Lama

If you’re a daily visitor of Facebook or other social media sites, then you owe it to yourself to add value to your online experience by infusing it with a strong shot of health and well-being.

Here are some helpful thoughts from the Social Media Lama on shifting from using social media as a time filler to making it a meaningful experience.

You should know that I’m not THE Social Media Lama, but I’ve learned to think and write in his voice. And so can you…

It all starts with connecting with the part of you that longs to be healthier and recognizes that your current social media habits may not serving your best interests.

(ENTER THE SOCIAL MEDIA LAMA IN YOU!)

It’s time to search inward for that voice…the Social Media Lama that exists within YOU.

Choose to look inward and find that part of you that recognizes the value of spreading good vibes toward your friends and connections via social media.  What you do for others will return to you in the form of spiritual health.

Once again, to reach the Social Media Lama in you, you must make a solid decision to rise above your usual social media habits and add a new element.

Chances are that you already spread good by “liking” and commenting on what other people post, and maybe even by sharing funny or inspiring videos and quotes. This is a wonderful start. Let’s build on that foundation of sharing.

Create a Steady Stream of Positivity on Social Media

The Social Media Lama in you can go a giant step further by striving to create a constant stream of positive vibes that flows outward toward others and inward toward you.

This amazing, bi-directional flow of energy can be accomplished via a two-step process.

First, start by directing positive energy outward. The easiest way to add a mind-opening, positive energy boost to your daily social media life is to create one for others. Send positive messages to people inhabiting your social media universe. It could be one person or many. Choose to comment in a way that will make a “friend” feel uplifted, energized, inspired or sympathized with. Post a meaningful quote to reach the masses or target an individual with a personalized message that transfers something positive from you to him or her. You can share with the world your sense of gratitude toward someone who has bettered your life (see my posts on finding happiness through your wall and identifying your brand of gratitude on social media for more on this topic).

Second, to pull something positive toward you, make a concerted effort to celebrate what is achieved by others, as opposed to wanting their accomplishments for yourself. Challenge yourself to feel happy that someone else is posting pictures from what you consider to be your dream vacation. Kick yourself when you feel annoyed by frequent pictures of people’s children or pets. Instead, wish the parents well and connect with the joy and simple pleasures of someone else’s childhood.

The combination of these two efforts creates a push-pull phenomenon. It allows for positive energy to be shared as an offering. Any negative thoughts and feelings that arise during your social media surfing time pass through a spiritual filter that removes judgment and envy which, in turn, connects you more genuinely with the virtual world.

Resist the Pull from the Social Media Universe to Treat it Like Candy

There is so much good that can be created through your social media accounts. You have a choice: Treat your profiles like candy or choose to spread positive vibes to others.

From the Social Media Lama’s perspective, there are two possible pathways for communication on social media.

The Path of Least Digital Resistance

The Path of Least Digital Resistance is the easy digital road. You feel an urge and you satisfy it online. Not much thought is put into what is better for you in the medium or long term.

When you travel this path, you are looking for immediate entertainment or escape from unwanted feelings. The connection you feel toward others on this path is fleeting and does nothing substantial to make you feel like you are a part of a larger, meaningful whole. If you ignore my words and just continue to go with your habitual ways of responding the stream of posts, videos, pins and tweets on your favorite social media sites, then you are taking the easy road. The path of least digital resistance serves a valuable purpose for everyone. It’s just a matter of how much you surf this way relative to using social media for a more substantial reason with effects that last beyond closing the screen.

The Path of Most Digital Resistance

Walk The Path of Most Digital Resistance and you are deciding to use your social media time for more something more than pure entertainment. By choosing this path you are acknowledging the continuous pull from your screen to allow it to entertain you, but you are also making a conscious decision to receive more from your screen than just pure digital stimulation.

This path is about intentionally creating the positive outward flow I’ve been referring to. In addition to the good that you create for others, resisting digital temptation also means living a more mindful digital life. Adding a thought process to your screen time allows you to make any corrections when you find yourself obsessively checking your social media sites.

The Path of Most Digital Resistance requires an active and focused effort when we intend to offer a positive part of ourselves to others and to convert negativity into positivity when difficult feelings are elicited in us by what we see. If we just go with our default, trolling mode on social media sites, we are likely to resist any behaviors that force us to be spiritually open and giving. If you have little experience walking the path of most digital resistance, then your default mode is to do what you feel like without further contemplation.

When you start to get more comfortable on the path of most digital resistance, the likes and comments you offer register differently in your mind when they come from a place of intentionally spreading love, healing and well-wishes.

—

Finding the Social Media Lama in you at least once a day makes your Facebook experience less of a time-waster, a way to seek quick laughs or thrills, a way not to “miss out” on new posts or news. Of course you are going to scroll mindlessly through your feed, but at least add a pinch of health for you and your connections, your friends, your followers, or however you conceptualize your relationship to the group of people you claim to “connect” with online.

What inspired me to talk about the Social Media Lama? Given how much time we spend on social media sites and how much we overestimate the quality of connectedness we feel toward others online, it’s necessary to add a healthy component that brings us closer to experiencing a real connection to people. Virtual connection does not soothe the soul. It doesn’t make us feel “full” of love for and from another when we follow The Path of Least Digital Resistance.

To glean any real benefit from virtual connection, it needs to come from an open and accepting place within you…a place that actively searches for the good in people.

The Social Media Lama in you is easy to access the more you intend to do so. The mental health benefit of sharing this side of you with others is huge. If it doesn’t come easy for you to share your inner Social Media Lama with others via social media, then it is likely that you struggle to show unsolicited love and acceptance to your inner circle of family and friends.

Thank you for taking the time to read this! Best of luck!

-The Social Media Lama in Dr. Greg

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