Life under quarantine can be wildly challenging for even the strongest relationships. This can be a dangerous time for couples who have issues with communication.
Have you adjusted as a couple to the new normal? Do you feel like your mental health needs are being validated by your significant other?
This post is designed to guide you and your partner toward topics of discussion that can bring you closer.
We’re not our normal selves these days. It often feels like there’s next to no psychological room to breathe. Work obligations that typically offer a natural pause from constant exposure to our partners are temporarily unavailable.
How to Know What Your Quarantined Relationship Needs
In quarantined life it’s easier to neglect your partner’s needs because we’re all self-soothing more to get through this unusual time, but the consequences of relationship neglect are potentially more damaging than ever. Let’s face it — it’s hard enough to figure out what YOU need right now, let alone what your partner needs.
If you have kids, your partner’s needs naturally get bumped down the priority list, but this is no excuse to neglect your relationship.
The truth is that if you avoid working on your loving bond at this unique time, you run the risk of drifting further apart.
There’s no space for resentment either. Keeping score will amplify resentment exponentially. Fights will only get nastier.
The great news is that it doesn’t have to be this way.
Watering the seeds of your bond under quarantined conditions can cause greater growth than under normal conditions. You will always remember this strange time, and caring for your relationship counts even more. Let the quarantine be a positive memory of love and of growing together. Here are some suggestions for jumpstarting that process.
You must be willing to invest more in the needs of the relationship. Consider that your relationship is like a baby that needs the right conditions to grow.
How Much Should You Invest in Your Relationship?
So how much time and effort should you put into your relationship? Well, it depends.
I’m not a fan of the idea of surviving in any way you can when it comes to preserving your relationship. You can neglect other parts of life, but damage to your bond may be hard to reverse.
If your relationship was rocky prior to the Covid-19 pandemic, you will need to invest more to keep the peace and function as a cohesive unit.
The bottom line is that couples who actively work on their relationship will come out of the Covid-19 pandemic with a stronger bond than ever before. If there’s solid teamwork and healthy communication under the threat of an outside force such as Covid-19, then you’re likely to reflect warmly on your relationship for years to come.
Five Conversations for Improving Your Relationship During the Quarantine
Here are five conversations to have with your partner. They represent a solid start for a maintaining or strengthening your connection through the quarantine and beyond. Think of them as conversation starters aimed at opening up the lines of communication.
1) “What do you need from me that you’re not already getting during the quarantine?“
Have you asked this question yet? Do you think you know already the answer? Too many assumptions about your partner’s needs can create enormous cracks in the relationship. Just ask. It will be appreciated.
Don’t just expect that your partner will reciprocate the question. Just offer it. Don’t keep score. Model what you want your relationship to be.
Maybe he or she needs a bit more time away from the kids, even 30 minutes. Or it’s less exposure to the news in bed.
Just ASK. Be curious. Your partner will appreciate it.
2) “Are we on the same page with how daily activities and responsibilities are being handled?”
This one applies more to parents. Are you or your partner harboring bitterness about the assignment of responsibilities at home? If so, share it and work together to both understand and accept each other’s strengths and weaknesses, but also challenge each other with love and compassion to push a little harder.
Are you sinking under the weight of too many tasks? If so, share what you need from your partner while holding hands. Agree to check in with one another in a few days if new commitments are made.
3) “Are we acknowledging what each of us is feeling during these uncertain times? Are we paying enough attention to each other’s mental health needs?”
This is your chance to share how your partner may be invalidating what you feel or vice versa. Is there too much toxic positivity from one partner that is shaming the other for feeling anxious or scared? Do you need a bit more of your partner’s undivided attention?
Mirroring Exercise: Share for a minute or two what you’ve been feeling. You partner then has to repeat what he or she heard you say. Then he or she asks, “Is that an accurate summary of what you feel?” If so, switch roles. If not, correct your partner’s understand of how you feel.
4) “Are we being hurt as a couple by allowing someone outside our relationship to violate our boundaries?”
Are your parents or other family member demanding too much of your attention? Are they repeatedly reprimanding you for ignoring them? Does it feel like a family member is completely draining your energy over the phone or video chat?
Is someone outside of your immediate family making you feel bad, guilty or shameful on a frequent basis? Is one of you sharing too much sensitive information with an outside party that would offend the other partner if they knew what was being said? Your job is to protect your partner, and that includes protecting his or her privacy, unless there is abuse occurring.
Boundaries are a huge part of maintaining a healthy relationship. Put your heads together to come up with a plan to deal with boundary violations. It will make you feel much more supported by one another. Help each other problem solve to strengthen the boundary around the original family unit (the two of you).
5) “Are we working hard enough to make time to check in with one another without any distractions?“
If you’re not already having frequent and predictable check-ins with one another, now is as good a time as ever. Schedule a weekly State of the Union Time.
During this time, each of you speaks for an uninterrupted 10 minutes. Time it on your phone. Say nothing while your partner speaks, even if you disagree with something said. Listen attentively without any screens present. In fact, listen for the gold in them.
The goal is to share what’s on your mind, including feedback for your partner, requests, new commitments or thoughts about anything. Take five minutes to jointly reflect on what was said. Then drop it!
Have a separate conversation about what is getting in the way of checking in with one another. Put your heads together to prioritize the State of the Union ritual. Your relationship needs it no matter how close you feel to one another.
Please note that these five conversation are designed to help you get through the quarantine. Consider couples therapy if these conversations lead to unresolvable arguments or resentment. You can participate in the therapy right from the comfort of your home!
Have a safe and healthy quarantine!
