A Wean-Wean Situation

But once again, I was naive and ignored my needs. Sounds familiar?

As Lulu reached the age of two, I reached the We-Must-Wean phase. Breastfeeding affects each woman differently, and after two years I dared to admit to myself that I wanted my body back all to myself. I wanted my boobs to not only feel like food. Most importantly, I realized I didn’t want to embark on another pregnancy before I had all of me to myself, before I found the hormonal balance I was missing, before I could spend time getting to know clean-slate me. I wanted to be the best mama I could be and I knew I needed to recharge and reconnect with myself in order to be prepared for my new phase of motherhood. Needless to say, I also felt painfully guilty and selfish because clearly Lulu had other plans for us. She did not share the same views and it turned out she was not self-weaning material.

Sorry, not self-weaning material

I was stuck and Google was disappointing so I started reaching out to mamas who knew exactly what I was dealing with. I was afraid to be judged, even though I was only I who was judging me. They reminded me that two years is a remarkable achievement and how hard on myself I can be. Feeling less and less guilty led the way to finding the gentlest, most loving and respectful ways I could find to slowly but surely wean. I also learned from the most supportive mama that it’s a “beautiful dance” and so it was. A process. There was no science to guide me through the process, just strong instincts.

Friends have been asking me for tips since Lulu and I completed our long weaning process and I finally sat down and compiled the following guide. By no means do I pretend to present a step-by-step guide and personally I wouldn’t have been satisfied following one myself. I highly recommend discovering your own weaning journey and letting the process lead you as organically as can be.Here is a group of ideas that worked for us, which I hope can help you feel less lost and more secure, confident and empowered on your path to weaning.

How to Gently Wean Your Toddler

1. Get in the Instincts Zone

Now stay there! Don’t desert it for Google or any forum de jour. Simple idea but without a doubt the most important thing I will say to you here. Let your mama instincts guide you and, just as significantly, TRUST that they will. Just knowing they are at your disposal can lighten your load. You will be impressed with the creative ideas they will come up with. They know your child and you better than any expert/doctor/guru/fellow mom. The Instincts Zone works best in the moment, when you need an immediate answer. When I was trying to move from short to even shorter sessions, a fun song of counting came to me. We would count together so Lulu had a light framework for how much time she had with my boob. It turned into more of a game and less of a way to get Lulu off the boob.

2. Map Out Specific Steps You Wish to Take But Be Open to Shifts and Avoid Stopwatching

Don’t be discouraged if you have to take a step back after moving forward. Trust me, you are still moving in the right direction, even if it’s a lot slower than you expected.

Don’t be discouraged. You’ll get there.

– We started out our weaning with two nursing sessions a day. You might be starting with four or even five, so be patient with your journey and remember that the more daily sessions the longer the process should be. Take it step by step…by step, unless your child demonstrates readiness for rapid progression.

– I didn’t decide which nursing session of the day will be the last to go even though I was told it was always the morning one. We experimented with both to find the best option for us. You will know when you get there.

– I slooooowly started shortening our two sessions a day (before bed needed more work as we started out with 15-20 minutes (very long, I know) until they became very, very short. It took weeks (and sometimes we moved backwards) but this was the most organic, almost unnoticeable way to approach a relatively painless weaning process.

– A smart mama shared with me her brilliant evening ritual while she was weaning. We changed the order and started nursing before bath time, right after dinner. I highly doubted it would go smoothly because our right-before-bed nursing session felt like something that could never change except for shortening it a drop. You can imagine how shocked I was when Lulu happily adapted. It broke the link between boobs and sleep, which was a pivotal step on the road to full weaning.

I still chose to continue “doing” bedtime every night by maintaining all of our other routines (singing our lullabies, going over everything we have done that day, sharing my blessings for a peaceful night’s sleep, our special kisses and hugs etc.) so Lulu would not  feel like “everything” was being taken away from her. Yes, at first the voices in my head yelled something like hello?! What the hell are you doing?! Go somewhere! Do something! But it was worth it. The truth is, I didn’t and still don’t mind our bedtime routine. I enjoy it even after we weaned and prefer to be there as much as I can.

– I made a choice to replace our boob milk with non-dairy milk and we experimented with hemp-coconut (which Lulu claimed tasted closest to my milk,) unsweetened vanilla almond and unsweetened cashew. Even though she asks for it occasionally and goes through periods of milk every morning, Lulu seems disinterested in replacement milk as a daily habit and I have released the milk idea, knowing that she gets all essential nutrients from food. I still can’t help but offer it every morning as I pour my non-dairy choice into my coffee…

3. Talk Talk Talk

The more prepared your toddler is the easier it will be for both of you.

Give their listening comprehension the credit it deserves- they do understand! First, I planted the seed by talking to Lulu a lot about it before we actually changed our nursing routine. Even though her response was always “no” (with the subtext of “Do me a favor, let’s change the subject”,) she understood that sometime in the future milk would no longer reside in my boobs but there would be replacements and she would still, for instance, be able to hug the boobs for comfort if she wanted to. Whatever you choose to say, remain respectful and make sure your child does not feel shame in the fact that they want to nurse.

Once we were left with one nursing session a day and my supply was far from something to write home about, I tasted my milk and it was salty. Ladies, weaning milk is salty! I decided to recruit the new fact, so every time we nursed I would gently remind Lulu that the little milk that was left was salty and maybe not so yummy anymore. It still didn’t stop her but this is when our nursing sessions dramatically shortened into seconds (as in let’s count to ten, maybe fifteen.) And yet we continued to nurse, holding on to that special hard-to-describe bond while I was flooded with mixed feelings and sadness over the nearing end of an era. My “salty” statement eventually worked way too well, as Lulu mocked my boobs calling them  “yucky” for weeks after we weaned. She made sure that everyone around knew that “the boobs are broken.”

4. New Rituals

Once you’ve started your weaning journey, invite other rituals that keep the two of you close. Don’t force anything, be in the moment, let your child lead and only introduce rituals that feel right to both of you. Dancing, cuddling, getting your nails done, anything imaginable that makes your child feels like she has you all to herself.

The last couple of weeks of weaning were the toughest on Lulu. We were left with only a few seconds in the morning and as she began longing for more exclusive mommy time, Lulu asked to revisit our good old Ergo and before I knew it, we started taking early, tender morning walks, the only thing that truly calmed her and set a peaceful tone for the day. She would hold on tight and we would sing and talk or just hold hands quietly. It was our unbreakable, uninterrupted bonding time together, almost like nursing.

For a few weeks she also asked to get in the Ergo with a pacifier at least once a day, not for walking outside but just to be close. Even though we only use a pacifier for sleep, I embraced it as a worthy replacement ritual.

Weaning Ergo trips

One of Ergo’s first days on the job

At this point she no longer asks for the carrier but does ask to relax on Goog and me with her pacifier and we follow our gentle approach by allowing short spurts. Her new world does not include the remarkable closeness provided by nursing and we find it important to remain flexible, loving and attentive.

5. Stay Around 

This may sound a little radical but try to stay around throughout the weaning process. Weaning while you’re absent is popular for a reason. It certainly makes it emotionally easier on you and the weaning process can be potentially complete in one weekend, which made me consider the option, but once theory entered reality, I just knew that I needed to be there to provide all of our other comforting routines.

Staying around

I should confess that the first night when I decidedly did not nurse felt like entering the lion’s den. I mean what was I thinking?! She would just let me gingerly skip her most sacred evening ritual?! Just like that??
Well she actually did! I believe the only reason it went smoothly was because, in addition to it being a process rather than abrupt withdrawal, I was still offering the security and comfort of our whole evening routine (minus the boob.)

6. As Gentle as Can Be, There Will Still Be Tears

It will be a slow, gentle, intentional, mindful, loving, respectful process but you should have realistic expectations: You will both shed tears and it will be painful to some degree. Sometimes very painful.

Take daily pictures

For me the most dramatic emotions erupted in the beginning of our journey. I was already imagining us fully weaned and I remember asking Goog to take daily pictures for fear that “today might be the last nursing session.” (I said naive, didn’t I?) The last day of weaning went almost unnoticed as I was preparing for so long.

Saying goodbye to breastfeeding your child is a monumental event and it’s impossible to escape the emotional impact, even if you can’t wait to wean. Not to mention there are hormones involved, and I don’t need to tell you about the lovely hormones, do I?..

Tears

As for Lulu, it took a whole month of not nursing for her to release the last trace of frustration and anger. Even though she was absolutely content without boob milk, she was still reminded of the ritualistic aspect and it took a long time till she could come into our bed in the morning without being sort of pissed at me for a moment. You can’t blame her for missing what we used to do together every morning for over 25 months.
I miss those calm, snugly moments too! But during those first post-weaning weeks we had no morning huggies.

Bye bye, morning huggies She would tell Goog with the utmost urgency that they needed to go into the kitchen together and make the coffee. Their bond, while we are at it, has been growing so beautifully ever since we weaned that sometimes (and sometimes more than sometimes) I’m no longer her go-to person (Yay! But also…pinch at the heart….but yay….pinch…yay…)

Still buddies

Yes, it took us weeks, but I’m proud to share that Lulu and I now enjoy affectionately reminiscing about the days we used to nurse and she loves to demonstrate how there’s no more milk left in my boobs. She’s actually become extra cuddly with me.

A few days ago I was struck  by the realization that I was still avoiding the boob area whenever I rubbed body lotion. Can anyone relate? So there I was–post-shower–and just went for it! Whoa! BODY LOTION ON MY BOOBS! I can’t say it’s back to feeling as natural as it used to but body lotion is for the whole body and it’s time for me to reconnect all of my dots and include my boobs in my me rituals.

Just one more for the road